Finding Husband in Her Clothes Changes Everything for Wife

by Dr. Helen Friedman and Christy Kay

The Mental Health Association of Greater St. Louis hosts a column in the St. Louis Post Dispatch every Monday. This is the column that was published Dec. 15, 1997.

Dear Open Mind:

I came home about 11 p.m. a few weeks ago to find my husband of 10 years trying to fit his body into some of my clothes, including my lingerie. I was totally repulsed! He didn't even try to hide it. He just said he thought it would be fun to wear some of my things. If I wasn't so upset, this would almost be funny. I'm about as "turned off" as I can get and can't even imagine having sex again with my own husband. Now what?

Finding your husband in your clothes had to be a shock. You are not alone. I have worked with many women in your very situation. Your next step is to have a frank conversation with your husband. Ask him about his crossdressing (e.g., how long he has done this, what it does for him). Then listen as calmly and openly as possible to what he has to say. He himself may not know the reason for his behavior. Sometimes women's clothing is associated with sexual pleasure. For some men, crossdressing is a form of stress relief andf/or related to their gender identity.

Society says you are either male or female, but actually gender exists on a continuum. Most crossdressers are heterosexual men who are generally happy being male. However, they may have a feminine component to their identity that demands expression. Research suggests this is largely biological. Many men (and women, too) secretly struggle with their gender identity.

It is a tribute to your relationship that your husband didn't try to hide his behavior. Even if this is a fundamental part of his personality, you have the right to set limits around what is acceptable in your presence. Professional counseling may help to sort out your feelings. Peer support is also available through the St. Louis Gender Foundation.

Good luck.

Helen R. Friedman, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Private Practice
Richmond Heights
(314) 781-4500

Fear and revulsion of the unknown is a common reaction. Similar to our height, color of eyes and hair color, the need to wear the clothes of the other sex appears to be determined either genetically or prenatally. Current psychological practice is to educate the patient to remove the guilt and anxiety they feel about being different. Crossdressing is a social taboo, not mental illness.

One instance does not necessarily make your husband a crossdresser. He merely could be curious, or thought it might be fun. Hundreds of men dress as females [or Halloween every year.

This is a crossroads in your marriage, though. Your feelings about finding your husband in your clothes, your feelings of revulsion and being sexually "turned off" can damage your marriage. This is the same person you married 10 years ago. His potential crossdressing is not a perversion, but your actions are telling him that you feet differently.

Unfortunately, there are limited places to get information on gender differences in St. Louis. There are several psychotherapists who specialize in these matters, and there is the St. Louis Gender Foundation, a resource and support group for people with gender differences, The St. Louis Gender Foundation can be reached at (314) 607-4163, emailed at stlgftg@netscape.net or mailed to P.O. Box, St. Louis, Mo., 63117.

Christine Kay
St. Louis Gender Foundation

The Mental Health Association of St. Louis, producer of this column, invites you to send mental health questions to: Open Mind, 1905 South Grand Boulevard, St. Louis, Mo. 63104, or call 7731399. Enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope for a personal reply.

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