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The Issue of Sexual Orientation
by Erika Cantrell
After diving into the alphabet soup of gender in the last column, I emerged without even beginning to address issues of sexual orientation as they relate to transgender identity. The way I understood it when I was growing up was that boys grew up to be men who loved women, and that girls grew up to be women who loved men. It certainly seemed simple enough at the time!
Although I grew up as a boy who wished he was a girl, for some reason it never even dawned on me that there might be some contradiction in feeling attracted to a girl if I felt like I was a girl - or to a boy - if I was born as a boy! Even in a town high school with a graduating class of over 500, I didn't know anyone who espoused to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, and knew very few people who had even experienced physical intimacy beyond the occasional deep kiss and furtive feel. Sure, there were those girls who mysteriously became pregnant, and those boys who somehow got the girls in trouble, but I never really had the foggiest idea what it meant.. talk about a sheltered adolescence!
Even the distinctions between physical attraction and the desire to emulate or become close to someone were not at all apparent to me. The kid may have had great grades ... but, obviously, she was no Albert Einstein (or would you believe - Madame Curie)!!!
To the extent that both my parents and peers "taught" me the importance of hiding my true feelings and fulfilling the expectations that I was a boy who would become a man, I certainly tried to play the part ... a couple dates here, a dance there, a few more of both in college and then ...almost with the blink of an eye marriage. It's not necessary to recount again what happened next... how the years soon became a decade, then two, then "POUF' . . here comes Erika!
It was only then - after beginning to accept who I was.. . a transgendered person - and more specifically a transgendered male who desired to live as a female, that I found it necessary to begin to re-examine my sexual nature and the labels that might be used to describe my sexuality. Let's see we've done this kind of self-examination before.
I was sexually attracted to my spouse of many years and she's a woman, and I still find many women sexually attractive. So if I'm a female person and I'm sexually attracted to women. . . ta-DA ... I must be a lesbian!
But hold on for a second, as I've had more opportunities to interact with men as a woman it's the guys who seem to really get me going! So let's try it again ... if I'm a biologic male (albeit transgendered and a female person) and I'm attracted to men ... da-dada-DA . . . I must be gay!
Oh now wait a minute! Before we get too carried away, how about this one? ... If I'm a female person and I'm attracted to men ... incredible as it seems I must be HETEROSEXUAL. Hey,that's where I thought I started in the first place!! And come to think of it ... in that case maybe I don't even need to finish writing this column!
You know, I may be slow but just hit me over the head with it and you can be sure I'll come up with some profound insights! I don't know. . . I'm sooo CONFUSED!
So, what does all this mean? What it means is that - at this point in my life - I'm as much at a loss to attach a simple label to my sexual orientation as I have been to categorize and label my gender. This situation is -of course - more disconcerting for others than it is for me, and it's only confusing when I spend too much time thinking about it! At any time I now know EXACTLY who I'm attracted to, just like I know EXACTLY who I am. To some extent I suppose that's all that really matters ...well, at least until I try to define who I am in the context of a group of people. Unfortunately, the out come of social interactions often seems to depend less on the person, than on the willingness of the group's members to be inclusive and to tolerate differences among its members.
Because of such social constraints many transgendered people, simply do their best to fit into one of the conventional paradigms of sexual orientation - based largely on how they view the appropriateness of their biologic sex at the time. For some it really fits ... most crossdressers see themselves as male and live quite happily in the heterosexual world. On the other hand,transgendered people who crosslive or seek sex reassignment seem to constitute a much more mixed bag. Although a very large fraction of male-to-female transsexuals consider themselves to be lesbian (i.e. a woman attracted to women), an even larger number prefer male sex partners and most of these individuals think of themselves as heterosexual regardless of the stated orientation of their partner. Of course all this says is how the person chooses to view their own sexual orientation and says little about their sex role in a specific relationship. For example, it may still be difficult to predict the sex role of a male-to-female transsexual in a relationship with a lesbian using the conventional butch/femme paradigm.
All these things considered, I'm left with the possibility that the gender of my ideal sex partner is not cast in stone, that I may have some capacity to change in response to my specific circumstances and through my interactions with individuals I come to know. To the extent that i have at various times been sexually attracted to both females and males, I suppose the easiest way out is to say I'm bisexual. But this seems to assume that my sexual attraction for another is primarily driven by their biologic sex! Certainly for most people it is difficult to separate issues of gender from those of sexual orientation, but is that necessarily always the case?
Perhaps all I need is a person who I can love, who provides the necessary emotional support, who appreciates or admires the feminine aspects of my personality, and who allows me to assume a sex role within the relationship that I'm comfortable with. Perhaps that person is a male but maybe she could be female. If similar considerations apply to my partner then doesn't it seem reasonable to simply cast the labels and definitions aside, thereby freeing ourselves us to define our own modes of sexual expression!
Editor's Note: This is the second in a series of articles written by Erika Cantrell,the current President of the St. Louis Gender Foundation (StLGF), a local social/support and educational organization for transgendered people. The thoughts and opinions expressed in this column are her own and not given in any official capacity. It is hoped that "Not for Transgenders Only" will promote understanding and stimulate constructive discussion within the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community.Comments or questions can be addressed to Ms .Cantrell care of ÒKoloursÓ or by e-mail toKmagazine@aol.com.
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