Transgender Labels and Me

by Erika Cantrell

In my interactions with other members of our community at least two related questions surface time and time again - sometimes sooner and sometimes later . . . asked both by those who care,and those who don't really care to care. Although worded in many different ways, the questions are fundamentally the same. " ;Who are transgenders, and why are there so many confusing labels: CD, TV, TG, TS , T-whatever?

These are not easy questions for someone who has only recently started to come to terms with their own gender and sexuality. It was less than two years ago that I took the first tentative steps out of the transgender closet - acknowledging first to my spouse and then to individuals outside my home a lifelong dissatisfaction with my assigned gender, my assigned gender role, and biologic sex. It was only then that I was presented with the need to categorize myself and verbalize my feelings.

I wish I knew myself who I really am, and why I am this way - transgendered. Even as a child I preferred the quiet company of girls to the more aggressive activities of boys, and knew that I envied these girls . . . their clothes and their toys . . . and wanted - for some unknown reason - to be one of them. As an adolescent covertly dressing in my mother's clothing, I tried - in fearful secrecy - to act the part - of girl, mother, wife, or perhaps a glamorous movie icon. Being" ;forced" ; in so many spoken and more subtle ways to be a boy and become a man, I isolated myself to avoid the pain of discovery, and redirected the energy of my frustration and silent rage into scholastic pursuits. For better or worse, I never needed to confront issues of sexual orientation head on - quietly attracted to both girls and a few boys, I simply sought the relative safety of casual female friendships.

For some reason, the more free and open environment of college did less to shake me free than to provide new opportunities for denial. While denying the possibility of ever living my dreams, I eventually found comfort in marriage to a loving woman who became more or less tolerant of my transgender fantasies and sporadic episodes of cross dressing. Although the pressures of establishing myself in a career allowed me to keep my desires contained, it came at a great cost.At home I assumed a domineering and stereotyped male role (which I hated), shunned domestic activities (which I secretly loved), and procrastinated on having children (which I wanted dearly).Intermittent outbursts of misdirected anger and withdrawal enforced an unspoken and unfair expectation that my spouse would live the life that I could not. It was probably only the growing restlessness that anticipates middle age that caused us to question the lie, to begin rejecting the ill-fitting habits of the past, and to accept the fact that continued denial and a failure to take risks meant no life at all. So, first at home - and then in public - I began the process of learning to crosslive.

Many years of introspection, books and journal articles, and recent psychologic counseling have brought some reassurances about my own behavior. I've been reassured by the evidence that I was simply born this way, and by knowing that there have always been - and always will be others who are at least somewhat like me. However, my knowledge of how mental health professionals and others define gender and transgender behavior brought many more questions than answers.There they were . . . those innumerable categories and labels!!! You know, female/male, feminine/masculine, man/woman, and CD, TV, TS . . . or as my friend Jordynne puts it - the alphabet soup of gender! And guess what, we haven't even begun to touch the issue of sexual orientation!!! My own attempts to deal with gender categories and transgender labels have gone something like this:

Let's see. I know I'm male - at least to the extent that I'm probably xy and was born with male genitals. I certainly never met the usual biological definition of a female as " ;a member of the sex possessing the capacity to produce eggs or bear young " ;. On the other hand Merriam-Webster stipulates that I can be a female person or feminine (and not a male person or masculine) to the extent that I " ;possess qualities of or associated with the female sex" ;. Likewise, I can be a woman to the extent that I am " ;an adult female person" ;or " ;demonstrate a distinctively feminine nature" ;.
But let's get on with the transgender stuff . . . I know I'm a crossdresser or CD- at least to the extent that I usually women's clothing whenever I can. However, many people crossdress without feeling a need to crosslive or change their sex. . . lots of women do it,and some do it all the time! Furthermore, a CD is usually viewed a heterosexual male(probably not me, I say) who crossdresses to express feminine aspects of their personality(well that fits) or for sexual gratification (once upon a time) who satisfied or accepting of their male gender role (not on your life honey), and who has little or no desire to change their biologic sex (nada). <
Well then, how about a transvestite or TV? First, the terms CD and TV are usually used interchangably. Furthermore, many transgenders hate the label since it has been used to imply a need or compulsion to crossdress to achieve sexual arousal! So let's just forget this one, ok?
Well then, what about a transsexual or TS? Medical professionals have defined a transsexual as a person who is profoundly unhappy with their gender and their biologic sex and feels compelled to seek surgical and medical treatments to make their body more congruent with their gender identity (Now this looks more promising . . . I think . ..particularly the first part! But why have I been more preoccupied - until the last year or so - with living and interacting with others as a woman than changing the plumbing?)

Well as you can see, after all this work I still haven't found a satisfactory label to describe who I am to others. I know there are people out there who will say I can't be a female person or a woman no matter what I do, that I'm carrying too much masculine baggage. For that matter, I know there are " ;enlightened" ; people out there who seem to have no reason to get beyond just calling us fags, perverts, or it. I guess it all depends on the definitions you choose to use.However, for people who care to care, I believe the only real way to know who a transgender is involves taking the time to get to know them as a person, to find out how they see them self and how they would like to be seen, to get beyond the stereotypes and let them show you who they are. Many transgenders, myself included, are works in progress and can only benefit from your patience and understanding. I know, it can be challenging to deal with sexual ambiguity and it'shard to look beyond our tendency to embrace anachronistic attitudes toward gender roles and behavior. It is a lot of work, but hopefully you'll find that it was worth it. So maybe for now - at least as far as this column goes - I'll just stick with being transgendered, ok?

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