The St. Louis Gender Foundation

Gazette

Gazette Jul - Aug 1997

A bimonthly newsletter for the transgendered community

The StLGF is a MAGGIE affiliate

Our Masthead

Statement of Purpose

If you have any questions please write:
StLGF,
PO Box, St. Louis, MO 63117,
or call us at
(314) 607-4163
Email the StLGF: stlgftg@netscape.net
Web Sites:
http://members.aol.com/stlgf1/

Email the Editor: Christy Kay: Christy Kay

The Presidents Column

by Carman M.

Thank you ... Thank you for electing me as your StLGF President for 1997/1998. I've never had political aspirations before. Who knows, maybe next time I'll run for Mayor. All kidding aside, I owe a whole lot to Erika and the StLGF. In the two years while Erika was President, many improvements were made (voicemail access, internet web site, library located at a permanent site, membership growth, more fun, etc...). I will do my best to make further improvements and keep the club running smoothly.

Getting to Know You ... Here's a little of my history for those of you who are just getting to know me. I've been crossedressing since I was about 13 years old. I attended my first StLGF social gathering in March of 1996. I was married to Vicki almost 10 years before I told her of my crossdressing. We've since had our 11th wedding anniversary. I've got two daughters ages 4 and 8 years. I love Vicki and my two daughters dearly. I'm a fairly shy and quiet person most of the time. I like helping other transgender people and their spouses/significant others.

Goals ...The following are my initial thoughts concerning goals for 1997/1998. We will discuss these goals at our next StLGF Board meeting, and hopefully add to them. If you have additional good ideas for goals, please don't hestitate to let me know:

• - Set-up meeting(s) for significant others to get together to talk
• - Fun events (more event themes)
• - Library contents/book titles added to the StLGF web site
• - Continue to run in the black financially

Pridefest... Pridefest was held at the World's Fair Pavilion in Forest Park on June 28th and 29th. StLGF had a booth at Pridefest again this year. I'd like to thank Jamie, Andrew, and Shannon for providing pictures and educational information for our booth. I'd like to thank Shannon, David, and Jessica for helping set-up our booth. Jordynne let us use her pickup truck, Suzi, again this year for our "Transgendered and Proud" float. Thanks, Jordynne. We decorated Suzi with colored crepe paper and balloons. She really looked nice. Jordynne suggested we wear MouseketEARS as a show of support for Disney and their policies concerning sexual minority rights. Our float and the MouseketEARS were a big hit with many people in the crowd. They greeted us with warm smiles, waves, and applause. We had a really fun time. Thanks to everyone who helped decorate and ride on the "Transgendered and Proud" float.

July Picnic... Our July Picnic will be held on Saturday, July 19th. The site is a private lake near St. Francois State Park. Activites include paddleboats, swimming, a beach & private island for lounging, lots of food, catfish feeding, and a campfire in the evening. Everyone had a wonderful last year. The owner promises us an even better time this year.I hope everyone can make it. This is an event you won't want to miss.

The Continuing Adventures of Marci

By Marcia Lynn Williams

Are you gay??!!" That's the first question Barb asked me when she read the love letter I left her explaining my cross dressing. That's probably the number one question asked by S/Os when they must face the fact that their spouse/friend dresses in feminine apparel. I think that behind this question is an underlying fear, even bewilderment over something oftentimes misunderstood. Of course, the obvious answer is, "No, I'm not gay." (In this article I'm addressing heterosexual cross dressing only. I will leave anyything else to those who have a better understanding in the TS world and other areas of the transgendered community)

As I had mentioned in my last installment, Barb has known since about 1978 that I have the desire and need to cross dress. It's only been since September, 1997 that we have begun to face this situation openly...and together! What I intend to do in this and the next installment or two is to go over a number of questions that an S/O is likely to ask during the adjustment process and give the "questions behind the questions" as well as the possible solutions. So, the question that she was really asking contained the hidden solution, "Please reassure me that you're not seeing another man because I don't know how to compete in that situation!" Additionally, there is the unasked question, "Do you want to become a woman?" Again, the answer to both of these is, "No."

Most of the questions that Barb asked [and asks from time to time] come in the form of either emotional statements or objections to my feminine behavior. Nevertheless, there are invariably hidden questions, or at least a need for clarification, behind these. For instance, the accusation "You're a transvestite!" more often than not means, "I think you are a transexual...are you?" This results from an overall lack of understanding regarding the activity of cross dressing. I mean, why would she even be interested in learning about the issue in the first place unless it is brought out into the open? My response was, "Honey, the term 'transvestite' comes from the Latin words 'trans' - to cross - and 'vestare' - to dress. If you meant I'm a transexual, then please be assured that I have no intentions whatsoever of having any doctor getting a scalpel anywhere near my private parts!"

Not too long after Marci was completely out of the closet, but before Barb was willing to meet her face to face, I was told, "It just isn't natural! !" Now, on the surface, this seems to make a lot of sense, doesn't it? Yet, if one thinks about it, why do we do what we do to look feminine in the first place? Is cutting our hair natural? Is shaving any part of our body natural? Moreover, is either of these procedures strictly feminine or strictly masculine? What about putting grease, oil and powder on our faces and other parts of our body? Do these cosmetic cover-ups come from our natural make-up [please pardon the unintended pun]? Or if we attempt to improve the scent of our body, is this only a masculine or only a feminine proclivity? Is it only natural for a girl to play with dolls even though a father needs to know some things about raising children? Are men the only ones who pad themselves and/or cinch themselves to make certain clothing fit, or do women do these things too??!! I could go on and on, and probably will in a future article, but the point I am trying to make is that one's sexual make-up is completely different from one's gender! This is the key to understanding cross dressing. Societal culture and custom have dictated one's gender expression and, unfortunately, sex = gender in the mistaken understandings of most people. Oh well...

One time, in the midst of one of our "discussions" on the subject...these discussions do get emotional at times...she expressed her feelings with, "What if someone sees you?!" Actually, she was telling me that she was worried that if someone found out, she wouldn't know how to answer and would lose her self-esteem as well as her status in the community. This is a very legitimate concern and is shared equally by both of us. It's just that she is naturally going to see it from her perspective. I mean, it isn't she who cross dresses now is it? Or is it? "Honey, is that my suit coat draped over your shoulders to keep you warm?" I wonder if biological women ever consider that when they are wearing sweat shirts and jeans and sneakers that they are wearing clothing that is pretty masculine? OK, it's "comfortable".

The first time that Barb told me emphatically that she could claim fraud in our marriage and divorce me because I hadn't told her about this part of me, I agreed. I also told her that if she truly wanted to pursue the matter that I wouldn't stand in her way. Moreover, I asked her if she would have married me if I had told her while we were dating. You see, I have learned that what she really was telling me was that this whole thing is so overwhelming and life changing that first, she wished she could go back and start from the beginning. But, mostly, she needed time to work through the whole thing and wanted me to be patient with her! She was telling me that she loves me very much and hopes that I love her enough to consider her needs. "I do love you very much, Barb, and want us to meet each other's needs."

During an evening of togetherness coupled with individual expression, she exclaimed, "Boys should be boys and girls should be girls!!" While I don't disagree with this statement, I feel I simply must explain what is behind this generalization. Sexual make-up and gender are two totally distinct things. Unfortunately, 20th Century society has equated the two primarily because of two world wars which forced women into roles that were traditionally held by men because of the industrial revolution of the 1800s. In my opinion, all this means is that "Rosie the Riveter" (who had previously been given the right to vote) could now smoke cigars, drink in a tavern, wear coveralls and masculine work uniforms, drive cars, cuss, play sports, serve in the armed forces, and other such "male" activities. She still had to raise the kids and wear lace and satin and powder her nose and be sweet though.

On the other hand, we genetic males were forced more and more into a corner of macho behavior. Rather than being allowed to express gentleness, understanding, sympathy, caring, and softness, we had to be a 'man's man'!?? We had to bury our femininity in a psychological morass of confusion and guilt, hiding from everyone. Whenever our need to express our femininity surfaced, we either wore ourselves out trying to suppress it in that bad old closet of macho behavior or we sought refuge in a variety of meaningless pursuits. Nevertheless, the NEED to express our total selves never went away!?? Some of us became extremely dysfunctional. A very few ended it all...so sad. Most of us, however, found every possible way to find our true selves whenever and wherever we possibly could. Yes, we found times and ways and means to dress in the soft, filmy, lacy, satiny things that help us recognize our true identity!!

Well, enough of my soap boxing. There are many other questions that arise in the relationship between cross dressers and their significant others. Next time, I want to share with all of you the first time that Barb actually met Marci. I think you'll be able to relate in a way you never thought possible! Until then...

Marci

A Few Thoughts From a Significant Other

by A Loving Spouse

My life was moving along just fine. I was keeping pace with those around me. I felt my marriage was above average, actually feeling a bit superior at times, when I allowed myself to compare my man and I to others. He was macho, strong, capable and funny. I'd never seen him cry or crumble. He was the strength in our home, our protector. He was the epitome of what I was taught and conditioned to believe (the era of the 1950's) that a husband should be. I was content.

Then, out of nowhere, things began to change. He became moody and silent, even hateful and cruel at times. The true communication we once had was gone. I was scared, filled with dread, and clueless as to what was in store for me. I pleaded, I prodded, I begged for him to open up to me. I blamed myself, my self esteem was gone. Not knowing what his secret was, I assured him that we could handle anything, together. Finally, after many months, he told me. Through tears I'd never seen him shed, he poured his heart out to me. He told me that from the age of nine he'd been dressing in women's clothes. I was in shock, and filled with fear.

My mind was spinning out of control. I'm an educated professional woman, but was completely ignorant on the subject of crossdressing. When I learned the word "Transvestite", I was repulsed and resentful that that title described my husband. I, I wanted to be the most attractive and feminine one in his life. I wanted to fill his feminine needs. I wanted to be the ONLY one to use womanly things, sexy lingerie, make-up, stockings. I wanted to be the one with breasts, something female and special about ME. I didn't want to think about his desire to wear false ones himself!!

My emotions were in turmoil. I felt resentment. After all, I wanted to feel safe and protected, I had the RIGHT to be the weaker one, didn't I?? Now, all of a sudden, I must be the strong one, the protector, the Secret Keeper. I was lonely, scared, insecure, and I felt cheated. Didn't I have enough to deal with? My work, my lousy childhood, the kids, economics, the running of a household? I was angry. What other secrets was he holding from me? Why me? And how DARE he EVER criticize anything I might do when he's putting me through this!!

I began out of desperation to educate myself. I learned that the odds were very high that he was not gay, or a transexual. I learned that this was his stress reliever. That as he got older, the sexual pleasure derived from dressing was mainly replaced by a desire to feel calm, comfortable. I became somewhat rational, realizing that there really isn't anything "wrong" with dressing. After all, I wear jeans, flannel shirts and suits. I had compassion, I wanted to be supportive, I wanted to understand. I felt honored and loved, that after all of these years, his entire life, I was the one, the only one he'd ever trusted his lifelong secret with. I felt tremendous love for him.

I remember the shock of seeing him dressed for the first time. I didn't want him to feel like a freak, a weirdo, yet my mind was reeling. I questioned my own sexuality, enjoying my man in bed as a "woman", does that mean I'm a lesbian? I'd buy him female things, encourage him to wear them, and then resent him for it. He began pushing me, making semi-permanent changes, such as shaving his legs and his chest. I felt his doing that completely took away my "man". I loved his chest hair, and I loved the feel of his hairy legs on my smooth ones. He filled me again with fear when he did these things. I resented his selfishness of not respecting my feelings, my requests. I was always the one giving in, he the one pushing me harder and harder to not only accept the crossdressing, but to "enjoy" it and "like" it, to be "turned on" by it. Although I did want to be supportive because I love him, I'd find myself running hot and cold, sometimes yes, sometimes no. I'd give him mixed signals and then he'd punish me with distance and moodiness. I needed to talk with other women dealing with this, but I didn't know who or how. My main priority then and now was to protect The Secret, to protect our lives as we know it, to protect our security.

And somehow, through this abyss, emerged feelings of understanding. I once again began to feel we were still that "above average" twosome. That we were closer than the "normal" couple, for we shared this tremendous secret. We had trust. Precious trust.

He is the one who found the STLGF, a turning point in his life. But, ironically, it is becoming a tremendous aid and support to me, for I still have issues I battle and I still find myself floundering at times. I need to be there, with people I share a commonality with, a bond. It is so necessary to me, so needed. Some crossdressers adjust and accept their desire at an early age, some never. For some it is easy, for others it takes years, perhaps a lifetime. I've only had a few years to learn and understand. Be patient, be kind, be forgiving, and give us time. This is not easy, this is a very difficult situation your needs have put us in. We have to try to understand you, please put your own feelings and needs aside and try to understand us. We need your compassion, forgiveness, and patience, just as you need ours.

Rita's OH-SO-RAMBUNCTIOUS Ramblings

by Rita Amore

Dear Ones›£udos to all STLGF'ers and other TG souls who rode in the "Transgendered and Proud" float/truck during the Gay Pride Parade on June 29th. Hats off to Carman and spouse Vicki, Jordynne (thanks for spotting my drab self in the crowd), Macy (cute straw cowboy hat!), Shannon "Red Toes" Ware, Crystal, Elise, Champaign and TG friends Deb Law, Jan and Jennifer. (I hope I saw and acknowledged everyoneŸƒnd my apologies for any misspelling of your lovely names!)

I must say that seeing so many cops being most respectful in their security assignments was truly a pleasure. The original Stonewall riots, in memory of which the celebrations of gay pride began, were caused by blatant, prejudicial harassment of mostly flamboyant gay queens by New York's finest. A great history lesson for everyone is to see the video release of "Stonewall," a historical fictional recreation of the times leading up to and climaxing in the Stonewall Inn riot. If you didn't see the theater release last fall at the Tivoli, you can now rent the video at Whiz Bam! on South Grand. Even if you're not into political history, the period clothing worn and the lip synching done by the queens is worth seeing.

Speaking of queens, St. Louis' own Barbara Lewis has put out a new slick and glossy magazine called DIVINE. The premier issue had its debut in late May. As expressed by the Editor-in-Chief herself, "DIVINE has been created and designed for the artistic transformation known as Female Impersonation. Its only goal is to be by, for and about us; we who take pride in our unique ability to have defined true self-expression. We are indeed a sisterhood of some of the most creative and unique people in the world! We are every woman!" Please support this magazine and buy your copy at Whiz Bam! The Lovely One recommends it for your own special beautyà«oth physical and psychic.

Dearest Lovelies, my personal summer writer's cramp has hit me. This month I'm repeating a partial column from another summer™Yune 1994. Please kindly consider it a "Best of Rita" offering. My apologies to all you longtime, loyal Gazette readers. I hope you all enjoy this?ome material has been updated and additional material has been added.

PLACES, PLACES, PLACES?laces to be seen or unseen crossdressed in the Gateway City of St. Louis?o all you experiential readers, please share with me your favorite crossdressing venues in St. Louis.

THE ZOO: Not a monthly meeting of the club, but rather the place where four-legged animals are kept in Forest Park. Traditional attire is recommended. Avoid going in summer unless you are passable and shave your entire body. Hairy beasts roaming outside the cages will be spotted by any child aged four and older. For you TV's who have not taken the Nair plunge, I recommend cool fall or spring weekdays when crowds are sparse. Finally, never wear tiger or zebra-striped lycra, and don't get caught talking dirty to the animals.

BUSCH STADIUM: Not recommended for the faint of heart. Baseball is a slow, boring sport as my kids and I have found at recent Cardinal games. This leads to intensive people watching, which is can be a pretty fast sport, indeed. While LaRussa changed pitchers recently, my son scanned the crowd with his binoculars. He asked, "Isn't that a man in a dress sitting in the Uecker seats?" I grabbed his binoculars, focused in, and answered, "No, son. That's a big-boned woman with a mustache wearing a Cardinal nightshirt." You can only go to the old ball yard if:

• -You are brave.
• -You are willing to be read.
• -You can take abuse from beer-guzzling fans.
• -You know The Lovely One's secrets (which I'll share with you).

Go only in the fall when the Cards are twelve games out of first; get there an hour before the game starts; sit in the top row of the upper deck above right field; leave at least twenty minutes before or after everyone else; and never drink more beer than your bladder can hold. Anyone wanting to go to a game this fall crossdressed, please see Chrissie the Carp. She will be leading a contingent of red mini-skirted club members on group appreciation night.

THE CATHEDRAL: The new cathedral on Lindell is ideal for crossdressing outings. Going to mass on Sundays is a breeze, as Catholics only fill twenty percent of the place. There is lots of room to hide, and this pious group will have its heads bowed in prayer and penance most of the time. Besides, Catholics are used to seeing men in dresses?r at least priests in frocks. This is Rita's favorite Sunday outing, followed by brunch at the downtown Marriott. I recommend dressing conservatively, for respect. Please, no leather minis or black seamed hosiery.

THE AIRPORT: An ideal spot for the crossdressed business look, so be sure to wear a nice, skirted suit and carry a briefcase. Do not dress like a stewardess, even though your lesbian friend can get you a uniform. Go anytime Monday through Thursday evening. This is when the business crowd travels, and they never people watch. They're too self-absorbed. You, however can mosey about looking like a serious female flier. Never, ever go on the weekend. I swear you will run into your insurance broker, your old high school girlfriend, or your kid's soccer teammate, all of whom will see right through your disguise and call you by name.

MISSOURI BOTANICAL GARDEN: Similar to the zoo, but much more forgiving if you are not a passable crossdresser. Go early in the morning weekdays, even in summer. Most habitu?s are elderly and more interested in the flora than in some leggy, buxom beauty in short shorts like you. You will never run into any red-necked Hoosiers who want to tattoo their fist on your freshly made-up face, and there are more places to hide (trust me) than at Meramec Caverns. Avoid weekends and all school holidays. It's those kids again.

MOVIES: Yes, my dears, you can go to the movies just as any natural woman can. After all you, too, can buy a ticket and coconut oil-laden popcorn. Avoid new releases at a mall theater on Friday or Saturday afternoon. To those pesky kids, you can add teenage girls who will impress their friends by dissing your wig and pointing out how, like, uncool your clothes are. Avoid this problem by going to offbeat flicks at the Tivoli or Hi-Pointe. High drag can work for gender-bending films like "Rocky Horror Picture Show," "Priscilla," or "To Wong Foo." Do not, I repeat, do not try high drag at "Mrs. Doubtfire."

CASINOS: The latest adult entertainment option in St. Louis is the riverboat casinos. I'm sure a few of you, including STLGF's most adventurous current vice president, have attended en-femme. Crossdressing protocol varies from boat-to-boat. For the West County sophisticated trophy-wife high-roller look, please go to Harrah's and Players at Riverport. Designer wear, perfect hair, subtle and expensive makeup will make you perfectly presentable at these new and trendy venues. Arrive in a BMW or late-model sport utility vehicle and use the valet parking services. For excursions to the President Casino on the Admiral and the Casino Queen in East St. Louis, a little more freedom of personal expression is available. Late at night on Friday or Saturday a trashy-slut look is acceptable. After all, real hookers (or the PC-preferred "working girls") are trying to snag Mr. Important Player. Don't worry. You'll blend right in whether you want to gamble, drink, or pretend to hook the big fish. Minis, leather, lycra, halters, bustiers and boots fit for a dom will get you nothing more than a sidelong glance from the compulsive gamblers on these boats.

All daytime riverboat casino crossdressers should head to the Alton Belle. Please remember that daytime protocol for the Belle is to arrive on a Seniors Tour Bus dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire. A frumpy slacks or skirt outfit with an oversized wig and blue eye shadow are appropriate. Buy only twenty dollars of quarter slot machine tokens, and you are sure to pass. For non-gamblers, just go to the third deck and enjoy the cruise.

My next column will feature the true-life adventures of a crossdressed trip to a casino in metro St. Louis with pictures of some of the most daring STLGF members losing it all at blackjack. Stay tuned for the September issue.

Until the next time, my Lovelies...

"In the game of life, only bet on yourself."

Rita

First Night at the SLGF

by Rhonda J.

What turned out to be an enjoyable evening, didn?t start that way. Probably like every one else coming to their first meeting I was very nervous and not sure even when I pulled into the parking lot that I was going to go into the meeting. When I found the meeting room no one was there. Here I am standing in the hall not knowing where to go, not sure what to do. Along comes Brenda, and asks me "St. Louis Gender Foundation?". She introduced herself and told me she had a key for the changing room. (What an angel, heaven sent, I'm sure!) We talked as we started to change and hit it off well. (My first new sister.)

I was still very nervous, I was having trouble getting my earrings in and fumbling with everything else. Finally I calmed down and it seemed to go OK. Bobbie Fox came in and introduced herself. (Quite a gal.)

Then Christy Kay showed up. I recognized her voice and told her who I was. (A special thanks to Christy. She was my first contact with the StLGF and responded to my many E-mails and we had a few phone conversations. Without her I wouldn't have been here. Thanks again Christy.) A few others came in and everyone was soooo nice.

After smudging the same nail three times, I finally was ready to "go to the ball". Brenda said she was uneasy going to the meeting room with all the other people in the hallway. I said don't worry let's go (being the brazen hussy that I am) and we stepped out into the hall just as grandma, grandpa, mom, dad and the kids were going by. They barely gave us a second glance and my confidence was soaring.

When we got to the meeting room I again felt uneasy and nervous. (Still wondering, What Am I Doing Here?? Help!!!) I was invited to join another Rhonda ( What a neat name!!) and a few others at one of the tables and started to relax a little. I then met Erika (really a neat gal). She was very friendly and we talked for a while and I relaxed a little more. Then I introduced myself to Carmen. We talked about my problems with my spouse's negative reactions (quite recently, I came out to my wife of 30+ years. She never suspected this and was extremely shocked and upset.) and about Vicki's acceptance and support. (What a lucky gal. Really dynamic, too. Will surely be a great president.) Carmen told me where the GF library is and suggested getting some literature for my wife to read.

As I returned to the table, Stephanie and another first nighter, joined us. This and I compared notes. We have quite a bit in common. (Although I can't say much for "her drab outfit". But I'm sure that will change by our next meeting.) We discussed our Macho hobbies (martial arts and bodybuilding/powerlifting) and our not so Macho hobby ( Just what could that be?? ). I feel we'll be friends for a long time.

Marci and her spouse joined us as we finished eating. ( Another really nice lady.) A little later I introduced myself to Chrissy (hope that's right) and Tiffany, our guest from Kansas City. (Isn't she gorgeous??) Chrissy left and Tiffany and I shared some interesting conversation, "other life" driver's license photos, discussed places to go in KC and possibly having dinner at a certain club in downtown KC when I'll be there this summer. (Hope we can make it. She made it sound like a neat place.)

Next I met Kate, another first nighter. She really is nice. I'm looking forward to seeing her next time. (Guess I was over my nervousness by now , because I'd made up my mind I'd be back as often as I can. Met Sharon, our new VP. (Another really neat gal. Please forgive me my "neat's", they just show my vintage.) The next person I met was the "Quiet One", with the short blonde hair and the even shorter dress. (Nice legs! What a wild and crraaazy girl!!!) Hope to find out her name next time. Met a few others but the names didn't stick. (Let's see, the memory goes second, what was it that goes first??)

When I checked the time I couldn't believe it. It was almost 11. Though I'm not quite as pretty as Cinderella, we have two things in common, an unusual slipper size (though maybe not with this group) and that midnight pumpkin thing. I had promised to be home by midnight. (She was quite upset that I came at all.) Reluctantly I headed for the changing room to return to that other life. (Much too soon, much too soon!!)

While changing to leave, Marci and another girl (Sorry I don't remember her name, she was really neat. There's that word again!) were changing for the fashion show. Again discussing my spousal problems, Marci was sympathetic and reassuring. We hugged good-bye and she said she would pray for me. (Thanks Marci, that helped me more than you may realize.)

Well I'm probably boring you to tears (Let's save our tears for something really worth crying about.). Let me wrap this up by saying THANKS to all of you who made me feel so welcome. This was the first time I have ever been in the company of true sisters. I pray it won't be the last.

Until next time (and there will be many next times),

Love and XXXXXXXX's,

Rhonda J

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