Partners' FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions

Here is a list of some of the most commonly asked questions by transgendered peoples partners. If you are a partner with questions that don't appear here, feel free to email Sí (remove the ssspammm from the transirelandssspammm in the email address) in total confidence. We could even publish your question, anonymously, on the site if you allow us, to he.

Why has this happened to me?
This is a difficult question to answer as there is no reason why it should happen to one woman and not another. There is no particular type of woman that attracts transgendered men more than another type. With so many men with these kinds of feelings, a certain number of women will inevitably become involved with a man who likes to dress as a woman, you are just one of that large number. This is not something that a man does to his partner on purpose, he just has feelings within him that have been there for a long time and he has put his trust in you by telling you about them. This is not an easy thing to do for him, and may not be an easy thing for you to cope with, but it is not the end of the world.

I feel rejected, turned off, I cannot begin to understand. Are my feelings natural?
Many spouses and "significant others", though by no means all, have felt this way at sometime or another. Fear of the unknown is always a frightening prospect, which is why it is crucial to talk to your partner and know why he is driven to do what he does. You may never get fully comfortable with your husband's needs, let alone like that he dresses, and there is no obligation on you to do so. But it will help you both tremendously if you get your own thoughts clear for your self, and if he sees you are making an effort to understand and accept him as he is. Remember - he is still the same person.

I feel so alone with this problem, who can I talk to?
You are not the only person in the world with a transgendered partner, even if it seems like that at first! It may sound obvious, but the best person to talk to is your partner. He can tell you exactly how he feels, how his need to dress affects him and why he is telling you about it. Try to talk rationally and unemotionally if possible, even if this is difficult. If you need to talk to someone other than your partner, even just to feel you are not alone, you can contact the Sí organisation by email. Other organisations include The Samaritans who are excellent at just listening and helping you to feel supported.

How common is it?
It is much more common than any of us realise, but as being transgendered is not something men freely talk about at dinner parties or down the pub (unsurprisingly!), it's difficult to gauge numbers. There have been studies done and though it seems most men have tried on women's clothes, there is a small but significant proportion of men do it regularly. It is safe to say though that there are thousands of men in Ireland alone who love to dress regularly.

I feel that I have been let down. How can I trust him again?
Most men can find it intensely embarrassing to want to dress as a woman, and even admitting it to their partner, the person closest to them, can be tortuous. If you are reading this, it may be because your husband has trusted you enough to tell you his darkest secret - that he likes to dress as a woman. But before he did, he may have gone through it in his head a million times before deciding to tell you. He may have feared you would no longer think of him as a "real man", that you would reject him, think less of him, that it would create problems between you that he would hope to avoid by keeping his desires secret. If you are reading this because you accidentally discovered your husband's desires, it is because of all these feelings and more that may have made it impossible for him to feel he could tell you. Many transgendered people have been there, it can be agonising - though knowing that may not make things easier for you and that's OK to feel that way.

Is he gay? Or does he fancy men and women?
Though most transvestites are not gay or bisexual, there will always be a percentage of men - regardless of whether they like to dress as women or not - who will like men, or both men and women. Just talk to your partner. After all, who cares about the sexuality of other people when it is only his that you are interested in

Is he mentally ill? Can he be cured?
No, Transvestism is not an illness, it only means that a TV sometimes has the compulsion to dress as a woman. And as it's not an illness, there is no "cure". Most men with this compulsion will often go through "purges", throwing out all the women's clothes etc. that they own, only to come back to it later as they have the need to dress, usually from very early on in life. Most boys start dressing from a very early age, usually just before puberty or shortly after it starts, and stays with them for life, so this is rarely something that just "goes away".

What if I just ignore it, or say "no" to his dressing?
How he reacts to this is very dependent on your partner. But if the need to express the feminine side of his nature will never go away and will continue to surface from time to time, there will almost certainly be occasions when he will feel the need to dress without your knowing. Some men suppress their feelings for years, only for them to resurface later in life. Ignoring his needs can be done, and is done by many women who do not want their partner to dress and refuse to allow it into their relationship. But saying "no" will not change him, and his need to dress - indeed, his actual dressing when he does it - will still be there, but not seen by you.

Am I to blame?
There is no need to blame yourself, or anybody else, or to feel guilty. Similarly the exact same applies to your partner - no man wakes up and thinks "Hey, I think I'm going to start enjoying wearing women's clothes". These feelings arise within a man and he has no control over them, he is not to blame, nor should he feel guilty. After all, though it may not be socially acceptable to cross gender boundaries, it does not do anyone any harm in itself.

Why is this compulsion in his nature?
There is no real answer to this question. Each transgendered person is an individual and may have his own explanation as to why he needs to 'dress'. You will need to talk to your husband - particularly about the time around which he started to dress (almost invariably early in his youth) as to exactly what makes him want to dress.

Is it hereditary?
In a word - No! So there's no need to check out if his dad has smooth legs next time he pops around! Similarly, there is absolutely no evidence that the son or daughter of any transgendered person will be in any way different from those of non-transgendered people.

Why does he use a 'femme' name?
There are a couple of reasons for this, one being that some men separate their "female" self from their male self by using a femme name, almost taking on a different identity when dressed. Most others take one simply to have a handle by which to be referred when they first start to make contact with other trans girls. Apart from not wanting to be called Paddy or Frank or Tom or whatever when dressed, it's best for privacy not to use your real name anyway.

Where is the man I thought I knew?
He is still the same person. It is just that from time to time he feels the need to escape from his male role into a female role. You may find that when he cross dresses you see a different side to his nature, but he is the same person and will not change, for better or worse, though some women find their men more relaxed or helpful. Naturally though, Sí does not endorse wives promising their husbands time for dressing or to go shopping with them in exchange for other chores but it has been known to happen!

What is the difference between a Transvestite and a Transsexual?
Transvestites are people (mostly men) who sometimes feel the need to dress and behave as members of the opposite sex. Transsexuals (men and women) are people who want to change their sex, i.e. men who want to become women, and women who want to become men and really believe they were born into the wrong body. Many transsexuals (though not all) have "Gender Reassignment Surgery" more commonly known as a "Sex change" and live full-time in the gender opposite to the biological one shown on their birth certificate.

Does he want to be a woman and have a sex change operation?
This is a natural fear, but it is highly unlikely that he will. Only a very small percentage of men who dress as woman actually want to change their bodies. Talk to your partner about what he wants and feels.

Will this affect our sexual relationship?
In terms of your sex life to date, there should be no effect unless there is some unresolved tension creating problems. Note also that some men may want to incorporate their dressing into your sex life, but it is entirely up to each couple to decide for themselves what each is comfortable with in the bedroom. So discuss what you both want and don't want together.

Do we tell the children?
Whereas transsexual men, who intend to live as a woman full time, may have no choice but to reveal to their children their choice in which to live life, the vast majority of other men who dress never tell their children. Children have enough to cope with growing up without having to handle their father's dressing needs also, but ultimately the decision is yours.

Now that I know, will he want to dress more often?
Maybe yes, maybe not. The desire to dress will neither increase nor decrease, but he may feel freer to dress now, particularly if you have reacted well to what he has told you, and may dress more than he normally would for a short period. After that, it is very individualistic and you may even find that now that the thrill of secrecy has been removed, he may actually get less pleasure from dressing and do it less often! You may need to draw up guidelines as to when he can dress (particularly if you have young children), how often you feel is too often and come to a compromise.

What do I do now?
Different people cope in different ways, but if you can at all, please try to be positive. In the vast majority of men, this is a harmless desire to dress and nothing else. If you can adapt and accept it, possibly even encourage and help him, you will often find the bond between you grows even stronger. It must be said that some partners find they can't tolerate the situation, and either completely ignore it, or worse. Remember, he is likely to be just as concerned as to how this will affect your relationship as you are, and this explains why it may have taken him a long time to tell you.

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