Note from Paula Stone at Sí:
The following is a post I saw on the Yahoo groups from a TV called
Martha who had just told his wife about his cross dressing. It was such
a sensitive and well written piece that I wrote to Martha and asked if I
could post the piece here on the Sí web site. I also asked if Kate,
Martha's wife, could possibly write something from her viewpoint. I told
my wife long before I got married but Martha only told Kate after they
had gotten married so I though both stories could capture different
aspects of the issue.
It was a delight to not only get permission from Martha to publish her
piece but Kate also took the time to write a lovely piece on her
feelings. Both are published here completely unedited and on behalf of
Sí I wish to thank both Kate and Martha for their wonderful
contributions, wish them both well for the future and hope that these
accounts can help others in similar situations.
Martha, married TV writes:
I came out to my wife about a month ago after twelve years of marriage.
I agree that everyone has to make their own decision as to whether and
when to tell. For my part, my only regret is I didn't do it earlier. We
had some weird tearful days and nights immediately after I told her. But
the main problem was simply the fact I'd kept it hidden for so long. If
I could keep this a secret, what else might I be holding back? And why
was I suddenly telling her now?
My crossdressing in itself is not a terrible problem to her. She's more
interested in the man she married and wants to still see plenty of him,
but she has seen and accepts me dressed as a woman. As I'm sure many
here will appreciate, this means more to me than I can possibly put into
words. I'm at peace with my femme side for the first time in my life.
I'm dressed as I write this and I'd even say I'm feeling a little joyful
about the whole thing. Just to know, she found the 'Sí' site one of the
most helpful sources of information on the 'net.
I'd stress that people have to make their own judgement about their own
relationships. Having hidden this part of me from my wife for so long,
I'm in no position to tell others when to come out. But I might just
share some thoughts I think are important.
I've struggled with crossdressing for decades, so it is simply
unreasonable to expect my wife to accept it overnight. I can understand
any negative feelings she has, because I didn't exactly welcome it into
my life either.
I was wrong to keep this from her for so long. Without going into
details, I actually had a perfect opportunity to tell her before we were
married but I let it pass because I really wanted to leave `all that'
behind me. I'm not apologising for being who I am, now that I finally
accept it. But it is my fault and my responsibility that this secret
hung between us for so long.
Martha
Kate's account, wife of Martha:
After twelve years of marriage my husband told me he was a transvestite.
My feelings initially, and for about the first week, were shock, upset,
anger and annoyance at the breech of trust in not having been told
before. Tied up with this was concern for the future of our marriage. I
wondered if he was gay or bisexual, was this a prelude to him leaving,
was he unhappy in our relationship. I wondered if the last twelve years
of marriage (and fifteen years together) was real and true or was it
just going through the motions.
Telling me obviously relieved him of a great burden, and I could see he
was happier in himself. But my head was spinning. I found it a blow to
my self esteem. I wondered if there was some problem with me, if I was
not feminine enough or something.
We talked and talked, and I found my partner gave me the reassurance I
needed, trying to explain things from his point of view. He encouraged
me to ask any questions I had, and that helped (along with plenty of
cuddles.)
For a while before he told me, I did have a sense that something was
amiss. It was a relief in a sense, as of all the things your partner
might tell you crossdressing is not really the worst. That's not to say
that it won't take time to get used to the idea.
I told him I was happy for him to dress and sit with me when the
children are in bed, making sure to lock the door so they don't
accidentally walk in on us. Also, we have to make sure any of his
clothes are well hidden away.
We went shopping together. I was apprehensive and tense the night
before. I wondered how he would behave when let loose in the ladies
section. But it was actually a pleasant few hours.
It is now heading for 6 weeks since he came out and things have settled
down. I can spend whole days without thinking about it. As it dominated
all thoughts in the first couple of weeks, this is a great relief. We've
agreed that we'll go on talking about our feelings and fears – and that
there will be no more secrets. I actually feel our communication is
better than ever.
I love my hubby even more as he had to carry this for so long and I wish
he had told me sooner. I think our marriage is stronger than ever. The
first time I saw him dressed I had a strange mix of thoughts from `what
have I gotten into' to `Christ, he needs a wig'.
On the plus side, I can now spend leisurely time shopping with someone
who before would keep checking his watch and wonder when the next meal
was coming. And I've splashed out on lots of new lingerie and clothes
(for my damaged self esteem, of course!!).
Finally, my partner has rediscovered the ironing board. Oh joy, pass the
wine!
Kate.
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