Rho Tau Newsletter
November, 2001
How do you TELL a SO??? |
A Thanksgiving Thought |
Women's Progression a woman looks at herself |
|
My Level of Comfort with Cross-Dressing
By Joan Stone
Not too long ago, I was asked how I had achieved such a level of comfort in my relationship with Don/Lucy. In answer to this question I can only say respect, understanding, hard work, trust and lots of LOVE.
A few years ago I wrote an article {One Wife's Perspective on Cross Dressing) about my feelings on cross-dressing. Once those feelings were put on paper. I have been able to put them aside and not think about them again. So recently, when I was asked how I achieved my current level of comfort, I was able to look back without all of all the superficial feelings that previously got in the way. And I found that the fundamentals of our marriage is what has actually help me to achieve a comfort zone that works well for me as well as for Don.
In the beginning of our marriage when he first told me, I just didn't seem to mind except that I did not want him using my things. We had a baby and very little money so times were not easy. But we managed a few items for him, which slowly grew over the years, as did my wardrobe. He never put himself first in purchases, it has always been a joint decision on how much we could afford and how it was to be appropriated.
We have always lived by the Golden Rule as applied to our relationship, "Do unto your partner as you would have your partner do unto you." We had no one to ask or help us understand or deal with cross-dressing. For a long time, we thought, as a lot of couples have and still do, that we were the only ones with this problem. We spent hours and hours in discussion of cross-dressing. As we tried to understand, we sought information on our problem and found that little to none available. (Remember that this was over forty years ago.) As a result, our discussions were strictly on the personal side, concerning how we were going to deal with it. But never did I feel threatened by it. I don't know why, I just knew this was a major part of him, and I would just have to accept it. Was it easy? No.
There were, and once in a while still are times when I wish we did not have to deal with this. But then I think of all the other things people have to deal with, and I find this is not so bad. My worst times are when I am tired and/or hungry for then I am really cranky and negative. We have both come to understand this and have learned to work around it.
Five years ago, we discovered Tri Ess and found there really are other people sharing the same secretive life style. It has been a wonderful experience, and because of our involvement with the national organization and two chapters, we have made some very good friends in the CD community. It is wonderful to be able to have the fear of discovery lifted and deal with other people with openness. We also have told a few friends, and they have been curious and asked a lot of questions. However, no one has changed in their relationship with us. In fact, I think it has strengthened our friendship because we were able to share our darkest secret with them, answer their questions honestly and find that each of them are true friends. I would not advise indiscriminately telling everyone, because that could lead to disaster because some people just really do not understand or refuse to try to do so.
I guess what it all boils down to is that we love each other and are and always will be there for each other. We each love, trust and respect each other and ourselves. We learned to rely on each other early as jobs moved us away from family and friends in the very beginning of our marriage, and we did not get back to our home community for several years. That was when we discovered the strength of our commitment to each other as pressures from each of our families tried to make our life more difficult. (I guess I need to say our parents did not like each other and tried to compete for our time and love. It made things much harder on us when we were living close to them.) But we had become a family unit and would not let anyone destroy it.
This seemed like such an easy question to answer, but I am finding that going back over the years to explain is not as easy as I thought. I just know I that I have always loved Don. And when I found out about Lucy, I discovered there was no other person involved it was still Don, just dressed differently. The love and respect he holds for me is still there and that has never wavered, nor has mine for him.
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THANKSGIVING DAY |
| When you're having Thanksgiving dinner |
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Telling
by
Julie Freeman
I was asked recently about the best way to tell a significant other that one is a crossdresser. Oh boy, I thought. Is this not a loaded question! What works for one does not work for another. That we know. Just recently a significant other mentioned that she found out when her husband suddenly appeared in bed "en femme." Although she was shocked, she also found it erotic! Since then, she and her husband have had long talks and their lives have taken a turn for the better. He is happier than he has been in years and she has discovered that their poor relationship for the past few years was not her fault, but due to his guilt and shame over his desire to crossdress. So it worked out for her, but for many women, finding out in this manner would be the final blow to a frail relationship already strained by secrets and moodiness.
We know that significant others when first finding out about their partner's crossdressing
react in a variety of ways: shocked, disbelieving, curious, understanding, puzzled,
bewildered, angry, amused, fearful, embarrassed, interested, resentful, concerned,
etc. Some are positive reactions; others negative.
So if a crossdresser wishes to tell his significant other he should know at the outset she
can react in a variety of ways. If he knew ahead of time that she would react
positively then it would not matter so much how he were to tell her. But this of
course is impossible. So a few guidelines
might be helpful.
It would be beneficial for him to have on hand some books or magazines on crossdressing
especially those geared towards significant others. There are also support groups
for SO's on-line and he might want to have available those e-mail addresses for her to
make contact if she should so desire. He should also be aware of any local support
groups and/or helping therapists for the both of them. This means that the
crossdresser has to have done his homework; he should not tell her unprepared to answer
questions she may have.
He should not tell her on the spur of the moment. It should be at a time when there
is plenty of time for him to explain and for her to ask questions. It should be done
privately, not where children, for example, might burst in on them. He should not
tell her when she has an important conference the next day or is starting a new job, etc.
He should prepare her first by telling her he has something important to talk to her about
and that he would like to explain quietly and then have her ask questions. He should
NOT be crossdressed nor should he blurt out without any preamble, "I like to wear
women's clothes." She needs to be prepared that she is going to be listening to
something of extreme importance to her partner. She is more likely to receive the
information positively if she is prepared beforehand - not surprised suddenly.
He needs to appear that he is not out of control.
What is most important is that the crossdresser realize that she may react one way one day
and one way another day. She will have her ups and downs and he needs to give her
space - that means time to understand, time to come to grips with crossdressing, and time
to incorporate crossdressing into their relationship in a positive manner. This
means that his desires and his needs may need to be put on the "back burner" so
to speak. He needs to progress at her rate and not put any pressure on her to see
him crossdressed or even see pictures of him crossdressed. He definitely should not
assume that because she appears NOT to react negatively that she is fine with it.
She may be internalizing her feelings and not actually showing her misgivings.
He needs to be aware of her concerns and reactions. Why did he not tell her
before? What about the children? Is he gay? Does he want to become a
woman? Is he going to want to crossdress around the house? Is he going to go
out crossdressed? All of these questions and more are sailing around in her
head. He needs to know his own answers to these questions before he tells her and he
also needs to realize where she is coming from.
This means that he has to be prepared for her setting forth some guidelines and
considerations for her needs and concerns. He may or may not want restrictions but
this may be an outcome if their relationship is to continue. He may also have to be
prepared for her being unwilling to continue the relationship - that it is just too much
for her to bear. But hopefully he has already decided that keeping the secret is
just too much for him to bear and that if this is her reaction then so be it.
There is no easy answer to this question. But certainly being prepared is a
necessary first step.
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Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mom, I can't go to school looking
like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" -- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" -- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's
going out
anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" -- but says, "At least, I am "clean "and goes out
anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see
themselves in the
mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys
life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun
with the world.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.
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