March, 2003
| Coming in April!! Rho Tau Annual Fashion Show Report |
| The Teenage Years |
| Acceptance |
| Are you at the "Next Level"? |
The Teen-age Years of Cross-dressing
By
Lucy Stone
During their teen-age years, most girls are intensely interested in clothes. This is the period of their life where they experiment with styles and challenge the conventions of dress adopted by their mothers and older sisters. Initially, they may not make the best choices, but with the guidance of their mothers, peers and older sisters, girls develop a sense of what make up, hair and clothing styles and fabrics are right for them. By the time they have matured, each woman has developed her own sense of style that is very much a part of her identity. No matter how hectic her schedule, she has been challenged every day for years to present an acceptable appearance. In the process, she has had a lot of practice developing her self-grooming skills.
Contrast the background of the wife/SO with that of her CD partner who has just gotten up the courage leave the safety of his closet and venture forth for the first time. He often has had little guidance in selecting and wearing his feminine wardrobe, and he has little experience with feminine hairstyles and makeup that are right for his feminine persona. Instead of experiencing the positive reinforcement that results from compliments, he has received or lived in fear of receiving negative comments and condemnation. Is it any wonder, that the first time out for most of us is a tortuous affair, and once we start venturing out, that many of us devote as much time and money to cross-dressing as we can get away with?
It is at this stage of our development that most of us push the boundaries that we have negotiated with our partners, and our behavior when it comes to cross-dressing is not too much different than our wife/SO right after puberty.
I would like to tell you that my development to my current level of comfort was devoid of this phenomenon, but if I were ever foolish enough to suggest this was the case, I am certain that my wife would vigorously object. For she tells me, that I made the same journey through the teen-age years of cross-dressing as everyone else. Fortunately for me, she never gave up on me, and she still continues to help me and to encourage me to look my very best.
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Are you at the "Next Level" of Crossdressing???
By Jayne and Tiffany
Signs you’re at the next level of crossdressing:
You can’t remember the last time you purged.
You can’t name half the teams in the NFL playoffs but your SO can name them all… and the starting quarterbacks.
Don’t remember the last time you bought a garterbelt.
Can’t find the last garterbelt that you bought!
The last three pair of shoes that you bought had mid or low heels.
You are thinking that a couple of pair of slacks would be good to have in your wardrobe.
You want to get your ears pierced (or have!) because clip-ons are SO limited.
Can’t find the first wig (blonde naturally!) that you ever bought.
Are actually thinking about getting a short hair wig.
You are ready to scratch the eyes out of the next "size 2" that you see!
Can’t find that Frederick’s "push up" bra that you just had to have!
You have at least changed your femme name more than once!
You find yourself with a more proportional bust size!
Buying make-up is no longer a "special" event!
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Why Can't You Accept Your Spouse or Significant Other?
By Joan Stone
Many times over the years, I have heard other wives and sometimes husbands say, "She/he just doesn't understand." Perhaps that is true, but often it is because we do not understand ourselves, let alone the other person in our life. Or we are too afraid to step out of the box and try something we never tried before: communicating. I don't mean restating what you have said before and parroting what others have said; then politely listening and going your own way while maintaining your views without regard for your partner's concerns. Often this can be such a reflex response to anything that strays from the perceived norm that you may not even be totally aware of what you are doing.
I have been fortunate that Don/Lucy and I have a good understanding of each other. Oh sure, you say. Well it has taken our lifetime together to get to the point that we feel we really do. There are still occasional surprises, but we have learned to discuss them and take action. I first had to learn about myself and become comfortable within me. Don/Lucy also had to do the same. We helped each other along the way. It has taken years -- not just a few days or months.
I get very impatient when I hear a wife complain that she doesn't want her husband to cross-dress because he is not being a man. Or on the other side of the coin, "I won't tell my wife because she won't understand." In each case, it seems to me that both are injecting their own lack of awareness of themselves. If you are secure in yourself, it seems to me that you should be able to accept your partner. That is not to say that you blindly accept everything your partner does, but instead, take time to truly communicate with your partner and learn what makes your partner tick. In the process, you may also find out a whole lot more about yourself.
However, before it is possible to effectively communicate with your partner and understand his/her viewpoint, you must first be aware of the reasons why you accept some things and reject others. Just to say no with out understanding why is wrong. Think about it. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you want your partner to accept you, or withhold something from you because he/she had decided that you wouldn't understand? Would you like to discuss the issue openly and without anger? Wouldn't you want help from your partner?
Understanding only comes as we learn and grow within ourselves as well as help our partners grow. Between two people, it often takes communication, communication, and more communication to reach agreement on difficult issues. It is not fair to draw arbitrary lines or make conclusions about your partner until you have been able to sit down and discuss openly your feelings and truly listen and try to understand those of your partner. I can't begin to count the many hours, days, months, and years of talking, listening and trying ideas before Don (Lucy) and I were comfortable with his cross dressing as well as other aspects of our lives. We grew up in an era when "A man was a man and a woman was a woman." The only problem with that was that neither of us fit the stereotypes planted in our minds by the media and those around us. We each had to learn to accept ourselves and then to accept each other. How wonderful it was to discover that the whole world was not going to cave in on us because neither of us tightly fit the mold.
I think because of the level of comfort we have achieved with each other, many people who know us today assume it was easy for us, but it took a lot of hard work to get here. Not all of the issues that we have had to resolve over the years had to do with cross-dressing. In fact, becoming comfortable with cross-dressing was only a small piece of what we had to discover and learn about together. It has been quite an adventure.
I became comfortable with Lucy long before Lucy became comfortable with herself. I had no trouble dealing with the persona because it was still Don. The only difference is that instead of being dressed in male attire, he is dressed female. No big deal? Well yes and no. I do like Lucy and enjoy being with that side of him, but there are times when I just want Don, such as when we are at a play or concert, so I can reach over and hold his hand. Or on somedays, that are even inexplicable, even to me, I just want Don.
The process of communication appears to be beyond the reach some people we know. Perhaps it is because they have not learned how, nor do they seem interested in learning how to discuss their needs or feelings with their partner. Or perhaps, it is because each of them is afraid of their own feelings. Whatever the reason, it is much easier to blame the other guy for our own shortcomings. Another block to effective communication can be the tendency to assume what your partner is thinking instead of asking. Asking and listening, and achieving understanding takes time and patience, it becomes impossible if we lack the will to do it, and we close our ears. Sometimes this results from a fear that our feelings will get hurt, and he/she doesn't understand or care. Usually that is not the case, if we know ourselves well enough to be able to express our thoughts and feelings with kindness and understanding and not anger and resentment. We also must allow time for our partners to express themselves and not become impatient when we don't understand.
Remember that talking and listening without understanding is not communicating. We can almost all talk, but do we stop to listen to ourselves? Sometimes we think we are saying something, but to the other person it does not make sense. Listen not only to your partner, but also to yourself. How do you sound? Is your tone of voice expressing what you really feel? When your partner is talking are you really listening or are you already assuming what he/she is going to say? Are you already planning ahead what you are going to say? If so you are not really listening. Both partners must take the time to listen and discuss rationally every problem. Only then can a solution that satisfies both persons be reached. Accepting the first words out of a person's mouth without taking the time to make certain you know they are trying to convey can lead to anger and resentment. Words mean so many different things to different people. Even to this day one word can lead Don and me down the road of misunderstanding. When this happens, it can take a lot of work to make things right again.
If you and your partner are having trouble communicating on a particular issue, seek professional help. It is out there, and I feel it is no different than going to your physician to get help when you are physically ill. Sometimes, everyone just needs a disinterested person to help put his/her own thoughts and feelings in focus to facilitate communication. Once you begin to truly communicate with your significant other, you will feel better about yourself.
Work hard everyday to communicate with your mate in order to make your lives together something better than you ever dreamed possible. Reach for your dream and work with love and understanding to get there. It is well worth the effort.
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