Rho Tau Newsletter

At the February meeting the Rho Tau girls strutted their stuff from eye popping leather clubbing outfits to elegant sequinned evening gowns. The membership was treated to a dazzling array of fashions ranging from casual attire to evening wear.

The girls did an amazing of job of quickly changing their outfits as the different categories were presented. Rumor has it that Tiffany Michelle runs a tight ship in the changing room!

Bobbi Jean in her dazzling evening gown!	Pam in her winning Valentine's outfit... everone wanted her shoes!
Jessica is definitely businesslike.	And Robyn is just decidedly casual!
Anna is ready to go clubbing!

Don't panic! Take a breath; everything is OK. Really! I know that "Guys in Groups" is a very scary headline! At least in me it triggers the classic fight-or-flight response. And I want to flee.

I'll never fully comprehend how and why I came to be blessed with a blurred gender identity in which cross-dressing is an element of life as vital to me as air, food, water, and shelter. Several years ago I spent the better part of two years working with a very good gender therapist (Dr. Gerald Ramsey of Ghent Psychological Services in Norfolk) developing an understanding of myself that works for me and put me at peace with a conflict that had tormented me for decades. (My understanding doesn't really help my wife understand. But in another way she is very understanding; otherwise it is highly unlikely that I would be able to participate in Rho Tau at all-but I digress.)

I know that in part my comfort with my cross-dressing is a correlative to my significant discomfort when in groups of males. This, I believe, has its roots in childhood experiences. I was the prototypical spindly-armed, skinny, weak, un-athletic kid, fearful of getting hit by a pitched ball, of being tackled by a big bruiser, even of being picked on for being these things. Of course I got picked on, but I was rarely picked when it was time to choose teams! I didn't handle any of this well. What kid does? But I think my responses were more immature than the usual, replying with name-calling and often fleeing in tears. In other words, the other boys soon learned that I was easily goaded, that I posed no physical threat to them, and that I could be good entertainment when they brought me to tears and I sulked off, their shouted taunts and insults ("sissy!" and "cry baby!") following me. I think they learned one other thing, something that I consider to be one of the very worst characteristics of American culture-they learned how to feel superior; and, as hurt as I felt on those occasions, to feel good about themselves because of that superiority.

They were living up to what Dr. William Pollack, a Harvard psychologist and author of Real Boys (New York: Henry Holt, 1998)-a book I recommend that all T-girls read-calls "the boy code." The boy code consists-from my point of view, at least-mostly of negative precepts. It is a litany of "Don'ts" including things such as:

The only precept of the boy code that I can think of that is stated in positive terms is "Be strong." "Be strong" is itself a code statement for the summation of the boy code's many negative precepts.

Alas for American society-the boy code mutates into American masculinity and the glorification of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzeneger (a foreign-born icon of American masculinity), and fictional hero Rocky Balboa. The films featuring these actors and characters demonstrate the underlying principle of American masculinity: it can never be attained for keeps; it needs to be renewed again and again and again. This incessant quest for masculinity allows little room for the development of those traits that are not explicitly part of the very narrow boy code and adult masculinity code.

The only way a man who wants to live up to the image of American masculinity can feel comfortable with himself is to assert his masculinity again and again. And the only way to assert American masculinity is to exalt oneself by putting another male down. This can take the form of verbal put-downs ranging from good-natured kidding to biting sarcasm, physical attack ranging from playful-but-firm to harmful, or at its worst a bullet fired from a gun. In an environment such as guys in groups where many, perhaps even all, present are trying to assert their masculinity, each individual must choose fight or flight. Unless the stakes are very high and physical safety or life itself are at risk, most guys who see themselves as guys will take part in the competition.
This is not to say that competition is the exclusive province of males. My wife assures me that all is not a bower of bliss in groups of women. Competition among the ladies takes subtler forms, she tells me-from who is wearing the most fashionable and expensive clothes or jewelry to who has lost the most weight to whose kids are the biggest successes in school, soccer, etc. And she assures me that much of it is expressed silently, obliquely, or cattily, but never with the unmistakable directness of a "manly" bar brawl punch in the face.

Since I haven't had her experience, I can't relate empathetically to my wife's explanation of the downside of women in groups. I think that among those emotional experiences society assumes are the exclusive province of women, there are only two I can ever empathize with completely. Those are "I have nothing to wear for that!" and, when in public dressed en femme, a sense of vulnerability for my physical safety. Nevertheless I continue to envy (deeply) the easy familiarity women display in greeting each other, their touching, the ease with which they form ad hoc groups at social gatherings, and their willingness to share their feelings with one another!

As cross-dressers we may not achieve these same positive feminine attributes, at least not as completely as women do. However when I am in a group of my sisters I feel at ease, comfortable, welcomed, accepted, even loved in a way I have never experienced and probably never will experience among a group of guys. I shouldn't have to dress en femme to feel that way in any group; but I do and I treasure the gift of my transgenderedness and the opportunities it gives me to enjoy the company of some very special "guys" in a group-guys in skirts! Thank you, girls!!!

Tiffany's Toons