RHO TAU Off To A FANTASTIC START

EDITOR'S COLUMN

Janet Monroe

Editor Pro Tem

Having never seriously dressed before this year, finding TriEss and especially the new Rho Tau Chapter was a godsend. Stepping out ofthe car to attend a meeting en femme was a significant personal challengefor me. However, having met and exchanged emails with some of the membersprior to my attending that first meeting made it just possible to muster up the courage to walk in. Once there, I sat quietly panicking for a while, but the membership did everything possible to make me feel welcome and accepted. I am grateful to you all, and am taking this opportunity as the somewhat unwilling editor's prerogative to tell you from the bottom ofmy heart - thank you.

It is a real thrill to be part of the organization of this chapter in its start up period. I for one am excited about the opportunities it can provide to help me understand and thrive.

Again, thank you my sisters!

Janet

Lucy Stone

President, RHO TAU

This month, it is a privilege to be published in two Tri-Ess chapter newsletters. While Lucy'sWindow will continue to be published in the Chi Epsilon Sigma newsletter,it will also be published in Rho Tau's newsletter which is beginning publication with this issue.

On Cross-Dressing: Blessing or Curse?

Perennially in the cross-dressing community there is a lot of discussion concerning whether being a cross-dresser is the result of a blessing, a curse or even God's practical joke. Certainly, cross-dressing has impacted and indeed complicated the lives of everyone, both cross-dressers andsignificant others, reading this column. Initially, I felt more like it was a curse because, after all, it would be a lot easier, if less interesting, to fit the stereotype of the all-American boy. However, now that I have achieved a reasonable balance in my life that includes cross-dressing, Ihave come to feel that it is a blessing.

Our sex, inheritedgenetic characteristics and biologically induced effects during gestationgreatly influence our destiny from the day we are born. One characteristic, the need to cross-dress, or at least the inclination, is probably one of the traits that is with us from birth. Whether we consider this or any other inborn trait to be a blessing or a curse probably is greatly influenced by the way we believe that it has influenced our lives.

Since many cross-dressers have experienced great unhappiness in their lives as a direct result of this trait, it is not surprising there are many who view it as a curse. If you are one who considers cross-dressing a curse or at least a problem you would be very willing to banish from your life, you also might want to consider the positive aspects of being a cross-dresser.

Then consider how you can enrich your life by taking advantage ofthe positive side and how you can better manage what you find troubling. Once I accepted myself and achieved a reasonable balance in my life, I have progressively considered it a blessing.

Certainly cross-dressers have an appreciation for clothes, and I am no exception. I very much enjoy going shopping with my wife. I love clothes, flowers and other pretty things, and I am no longer too inhibited to acknowledge it. In fact, afew months ago I finally felt good enough about my self to acknowledge and do something I have longed to do for a long time. I started my own collect ion of collectible porcelain dolls, beautifully gowned icons of femininity, which are lovely to look at, and now sit gracefully on a series of glassshelves that adorn one wall of our bedroom. Not only am I having the pleasure of putting together a collection that seemed so unconventional that for a long time I would not admit my appreciation for these lovely things to anyone, but I have had the satisfaction of putting together a lovely display area for the dolls. And a very nice part of my collecting is my wife and mother-in-law are participating and seem to be enjoying it too.

The important point here is that my appreciation of things usually reserved for the opposite sex is not in place of the things more typicallyconsidered appropriate for members of my sex but in addition to them. I very much enjoy my role as husband, father and grandfather in addition to expressing my feminine side as Lucy. My doll collection is not in place of,but rather in addition to my tools in the garage and the computers I share with my wife in the study. I enjoy going out with my wife as her husband, but I also enjoy occasionally going forth with her and her mother as another lady.

I have found that the difficult part of being a cross-dresser is achieving a balance, a balance that is right for both my wife, Joan, and me. During the process of coping with the issues that encompass cross-dressing, Joan and I have become closer. Now that I can maintaina fairly comfortable balance, I feel that I have been blessed to be able to have it all or at least as close as practical. The ongoing challenge ismaintaining the balance, a balance that changes from time to time.

While cross-dressing has introduced problems in our lives, working them out and developing an acceptable balance has enriched us. As a resultcross-dressing has given us more in life, not less, and that would seem to make it qualify as a blessing.

Lucy

In My View

Robyn

Transvestitism - n. A compulsive need to dress in the garments appropriate to members of the oppositesex.

Garments - n. An article of clothing, especially of outer clothing.(Funk & Wagnalls Standard College Dictionary, 1963 edition)

A recurrent discussion on the Tri-Ess listservs (CDSO, CDTRIESS, TRIESS42) and other chats areas on the Internet deals with just what disturbs the general population about people who "cross dress". In my view, it seems there is a misunderstanding concerning what we do with our attire. Technically, the act of cross dressing is when a person of gender A wears thegarments that society has assigned to gender B. The definitions above specifically describe the act as applying to outer garments. This concept is important, in that it refers to the "act of wearing" the opposite gender'sclothing. That is to say, not to become the other gender or make other societal appearances to that fact. For the remainder of this discussion, references will be made to the MtF variety of cross dresser.

Cross dressing today extends this concept to include a full spectrum of activities ranging from those that only under dress to those dressing full time in the attire of the opposite gender. Most people do not notice the "inside joke" of wearing articles of clothing that are not overtly female in style. In my case, I have begun to wear female styled shorts, jeans, polo shirts and socks. There have been no reactions to this attire. No one can tell or cares. It is not something that hits them in the face.

However, if we take it to the next level and wear overtly female attire, such as a dress or skirt, the reaction is quite different. People may laugh, giggle or just point at that MAN in a dress. They still are within their comfort level but enjoy the "show". Something to tell the family about and then move on with life. We are, after all, just crossdressing.

But, as we are all fully aware, just the act of wearing the garments assigned to the opposite gender does not full fill our compulsive need. We aredriven to take it to the next level. A level that I like to call "emulation". This is the act of appearing to the public as the opposite gender while not making the conversion to that gender. Once we modify the appearanceof our bodies (chest, hair, make up, etc) we then cross that acceptance line society has offered us and entered an area where most people are uncomfortable. An area in which the norms of appearance and gender identity, inthat split second the human brain takes to classify a person, turn out tonot be what they find is reality. They then feel as if they have been fooled, conned, taken advantage of, ripped off. This is where the non-acceptance begins.

Our duty in dealing with this is to honor those we try to emulate. Bring honor to them by presenting ourselves in the best light possible. To act as ladies and enjoy the open bounds that society has granted females to be themselves. After all, we are not Jerry Springer material. We just have a need, much like the need to play a sport, to excelat work, to help in community matters.

Most of us are not blessed with the body proportions, physical size, hairline, skin, or bone structure to make this an easy task. But then, just look at the rest of society. How many people, male and female, fit the norm in appearance or behavior. Not many. I use to worry about my legs, but how many women have great legs. I have seen better and I have seen worse. How about height? There are short men and women and tall men and women. Once we learn to accept who we are and how we look (just average folks) and exude that feeling, society pays less attention to us.

What I attempt to do is not to "pass" as a female, but to move through society in a stealth mode. To be accepted as a female, not a good looking one, but one of my age. I try to act and dress as any female would for the occasion and not to bring ridicule or dishonor upon them. I have felt my greatest comfort level as a person during those few times when society has accepted Robyn for the person that she is and not that MAN in a dress.

Robyn

Source: TriEss CD support and discussion list

The following is from an MSNBC online article by "Health/Sexploration" columnist, Jennifer Kornreich, forwarded by Karen (KRNCD to those who know her from the Pink Room) in Minnesota. Her disclaimer: I do not necessarily agree with all of her [Jennifer Kornreich's] viewsbut a portion of her article seems to be relevant to this discussion.

"Q: I am a heterosexual male. Ever since I was about 13, I've enjoyed dressing up in women's clothes for sexual stimulation. I amnow 25 and married. I still indulge my fetish on occasion when my wife isaway. She has no idea that I do this (at least, I don't think so), but I would like to tell her and have her enjoy this activity with me. Is there any way I can tell her, and is there anything wrong with me? I am worried that if she ever found out, she would be none too understanding. Should I tell her? Should I let her catch me?

A: Your assertionthat you're hetero is unnecessary, my bra-loving counselee. As William Granzig, the president of the American Board of Sexology, notes, cross-dressers aren't necessarily, nor even usually, gay.

Heterosexual cross-dressing males "don't want to become women. They know they're men. The cross-dressing gives them some sort of sexual pleasure. Assuming the female persona reduces stress," Granzig explains. Some menwill get an erection when they're all dolled up; others will just relax mentally "; it's "like a mini-vacation" from their usual roles, he says. (Unfortunately, I haven't yet figured out how to take even a coffee break from being myself, even when I don my macho Timberlands and ex-boyfriend's flannels.)

There is no agreement in thepsychiatric community, says Granzig, on who becomes a cross-dresser or why. These days, many therapists consider the exact genesis irrelevant. But cross-dressing certainly isn't a behavior that's readily alteredthrough therapy "; nor should it be, Granzig adds: For those who engage in cross-dressing, "it's one of their greatest sources of pleasure. It's only painful because of the potential censure from family and society. So if pressured to refrain, they'll only look for ways to continue dressing up in secret."

TIME TO TELL

OK. So your cross-dressing doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Nonetheless, your silence about your cross-dressing ways has not beenwise. As Granzig insists, "Men absolutely need to disclose this before marriage. A woman has to make an informed decision about whether she can accept the cross-dressing "; and if she can't, that's a valid decision. If her boyfriend waits to tell her until after they've married, she may understandably feel misled or betrayed."

So what do we do with you, now that you've botched up the premarital, full-disclosure thang? "He needs to tell her right away," Granzig asserts. "I think he should sit down with his wife in the presence of a therapist" ";she'll need support, and you'll need a buffer "; "and tell her, ";I have a secret, and I feel shameful that I haven't told you up until now.'" Again, there is no reason to feel ashamed about the cross-dressing itself "; it's your gross misrepresentation of your sexuality to your wife that's pretty stinky.

Granzig and I are convinced that waiting for the little missus to catch you in your empire-waist, taffeta-and-tulle ensemble is a really, really bad idea. "If she finds him in full dress, the emotional and psychological impact of the shock will be much greater," Granzig says.

Think about it: Would you rather hear about your wife's infidelity, or actually catch her in the act with the landscaper so that the image is permanently seared into your brain cells? I mean, if you're having trouble acceptingyour cross-dressing "; and you obviously are, since you're asking if it's "wrong" "; your wife is certainly not going to warm up to the sight of you in heels without first coming, at least theoretically,to terms with your cross-dressing. Truly, if you are to entertain any hope that she'll accept this, you can't spring it on her.

And even in the optimum scenario, it's still likely that your wifewill need time to adjust to the idea that there's a huge part of your identity she never knew about. Granzig observes, "She may think, ";Does this mean I'm a lesbian? What's wrong with me as a woman that he wants to dress that way? Aren't I enough? Am I going to lose himto another man or woman?' She may even feel jealous of her husband's ";girl within.'" (I doubt it, unless the "girl within" is skinnier.)

Granzig adds, "His wife may feel that she's the only woman in the world married to a cross-dresser. And she may well resent the fact that it's taken until now for him to be truthful "; "Why didn't you tell me before we got married? Now you're happy with your new life, but you've ruined mine.' It's a sense of betrayal, because he has lied about something so major."

COUNSELING ADVISED

Granzig urges the two of you to get joint counseling, but also feels that "wives who learn about the cross-dressing after the marriage need to find a support group with other wives in the same situation (these are readily found on the Internet), just so she can sort out her feelings with other women who've been there."

Of course, once you tell your wife about your cross-dressing, you may verywell lose her permanently. But this still isn't an argument for keeping mum. If she discovers your activities on her own "; as is not improbable, Granzig asserts "; the risk of her departure is exponentially greater. And even if she never stumbled upon such a discovery, the toll ofhiding half of your double life from your beloved will take its toll on you and the marriage.

It's also unfair to expect your wife to share in your cross-dressing activities, even if she accepts them, Granzig says. However, he notes, "when the wife does participate, her mate often ends up being the best husband in the world, because he's finally found a woman to accept this precious part of him" "; no small feat "; "and he doesn't want to screw that up.

"The question will also come up of how much and when to tell your children," Granzig continues. "If they're very young children, treat the cross-dressing like any other sexual activity "; keep it out of sight." So far, sogood. "But as they get older, kids have a way of finding the clothing andother paraphernalia, so it might be best to address it verbally."

I actually disagree with this part of Granzig's advice. I don't think that the nitty-gritty details of your sex life are your kids' business "; ever. After all, any parents (even those whose most exciting wardrobe selections are the patent-leather loafers) run the risk that their children will one day catch them in action. But you wouldn't try to preempt that unlikely scenario by limning your favorite mondo-bizarro position or reassuring the kiddies that they shouldn't be alarmed if they find the spatula Mom used to make pancakes nestled in the bedclothes. So, look: Put your girlie duds in a personal safe, along with that economy-size vat of lubricating gel, and consider your due diligence done."

By Lucy and Joan

Reprinted from the June issue of The Wild Roseof the Chesapeake, the

official newsletter of Chi Epsilon Sigma.

On the weekend of March 19-21, 1999, members of Chi Epsilon Sigma and guests from their newly forming sister chapter, soon to be named Rho Tau, gathered in Williamsburg for a memorable weekend.

Friday evening, twelve of us got together for an en femme dinner in the Purdy Kitchen, the small private dining room in the building that served as the kitchen for the King's Arms

Inn during Colonial Times. During the day on Saturday, everyone pursued their own activities, which ranged from shopping in the local outlet malls and the quaint shops at Market Square to sightseeing at many of the local historic attractions. On Saturday evening, we held a reception, banquet and our regular monthly meeting at the Hotel Colonial America which also was the location for our over night accommodations. Sunday morning, those who stayed over had breakfast nearby and then did last minute shopping and departed.

Our meeting speaker on Saturday night was Trooper Eric VonFossen of the VirginiaState police. His topic was Cross-Dressing and the Law. A few days after the meeting, we emailed a survey form to each of the members who attended all or part of the meeting. Of the 29 members queried we received 15 responses. This is a tabulation of the responses to the survey on our Williamsburg Weekend. Total number of responses 15, but not everyone answered all questions:

1. Are you interested in returning to Williamsburg next year? Yes/No

YES: 15 NO: 0 One member suggested that we hold the meeting in April or

May next year.

2. Please rate the hotel. Excellent/Good/Fair/Unsatisfactory

EXCELLENT: 4 / GOOD: 6 / FAIR: 4 / UNSATISFACTORY:0

3. Assuming that we are assured there would be no cheerleaders, should we consider the Hotel Colonial America next year? Yes/No

YES: 12 NO: 2 Willing to go either way: 1

4. Would you prefer a better quality hotel? If so how much more would you be

willing to pay per night?

YES: 6 NO: 5 Willing to go eitherway: 1 One member suggested spending up to $100.00 per night, but she was also willing to return to Colonial America because the cost fits most budgets.

5.What did you think of the banquet? Excellent/Good/Fair/ Unsatisfactory. If you were disappointed, please explain.

EXCELLENT: 7/ GOOD: 8 / FAIR: 0 / UNSATISFACTORY: 0

6.Would you prefer a buffet if we have enough people?

YES: 3 / NO: 5 Willing to go either way: 6

7.Program suggestions for our meeting?

Suggestions: (A). We have a speaker reflecting Williamsburg, possibly the role of women in the 18th century; (B) we have dancing; and (C) we have a civil liberties lawyer for a speaker.

8. Shall we have an en femme dinner in Colonial Williamsburg next year?

Yes/No.YES: 15 NO: 0

If so will you plan to attend even if you did not attend this year? Yes/No

YES: 12 NO: 0

8.Would you have preferred to have organized activities during the day on

Saturday? Yes/No.YES: 2 NO: 11

If yes, what do you want to do?

Both members who were for organized activities wanted to visit Colonial Williamsburg, Jamestown or Yorktown.

If yes, dress en femme/drab?

Both members wanting organized activities also wanted to dress en femme.

10. Please give us any additional suggestions and/or comments.

One member commented, "The new Southern chapter is going to shine."

Several members commented that they were impressed with how the hotel staff went out of their way to accommodate our group and make us feel welcome and comfortable.

One member suggested that the timing for the Williamsburg meeting should be made to coincide with the official charter date for the Richmond/Tidewater chapter and that the meeting should then be combined with a celebration.

We thank everyone for helping make this year's Williamsburg weekend a big success. The results of this follow-up survey will help Chi Epsilon Sigma and Rho Tau to make next year's Williamsburg weekend even better.

Lucy and Joan