Rho Tau Newsletter
January-February, 2001
First Annual Rho Tau Fashion Show |
Bobbi Looks at Hand Care |
The ABC's of A Successful Marriage |
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How do you tell your child? |
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By Joan Stone
Our first fashion show was held on January 29, 2001. Catherine, our program chairman, worked very hard to put together the categories and to get models for each one. She did one terrific job of planning and organizing our show.
It was a lot of fun, and the models were terrific. In advance, each model sent me the write up on what they were going to wear in the each of the categories in which they were participating. Our models did a great job of describing the style, fabric, and accessories they were planning to wear. It made the job of narrator so much easier, even though it made it difficult for me to contain my own enthusiasm for wanting to see all the fabulous clothing and accessories.
Our categories and models were: Casual Wear, Sharon, Robyn, Bobbi Jean, Jamie and Dee Marie. Clubbing Wear, Tina, Robyn, Tiffany and Bobbi Jean. Business Wear, Lucy, Tina, Jamie, Heather, and Tiffany. Valentine's Day Wear, Robyn and Lucy. Formal Wear, Dee Marie, Heather, and Lucy.
The Winners were:
The winner in each category was honored by being presented a nice bouquet of cut flowers.
All of the elegant ladies in each category wore appropriate and beautiful clothing, and this certainly made voting difficult. They did a wonderful job of presentation with grace and style--a truly professional show. In my opinion, our models were better than some professional models in other shows that I have attended. Maybe that is because by the time they got to the room to show their outfits they appeared very relaxed and carried off their part very well.
I hesitate to mention the long pauses between models and categories, and there were quite a few. However, the comments from the audience filled these periods and made them fun too. This was after all our first fashion show, and I think we all learned a lot. We actually had more models than members of the audience, and the result was the display of a splendid variety in clothing and style.
Afterward, we heard tales of the frantic activity in the dressing room. Together, they painted a picture that seemed a whole lot like the chaotic dressing rooms in Feline's Basement or Loehman's during a sale.
While each of the models worked hard, all of them appeared to have as much fun as the audience did, and they made the show a memorable event.
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By Catherine
Our son is 17 years old and a pretty decent kid. He is a normal 17 year old hormonally challenged teen. A few months back we saw a movie that had cross dressing in it, and he seemed to make a few jokes towards my husband and CD'ing.
Our hearts skipped a beat as we thought he was on to us and in his own way was trying to find out for certain.
Tina/Tim does dress at home, but only when Steven is at a friend's house or is asleep. (When Steven sleeps, that's it, he is out until morning.)
We have always hid it from him always believing that we would one day tell him, but you know when he was older.
A few days later, he told me some kid at school was beat up because he wore something feminine to school, and again we wondered if this was his way of questioning.
I talked with Lucy/Don and Joan. They are absolutely wonderful people--just the most wisdom packed people. I asked if Don and Joan would come to dinner with us one day and then maybe a few weeks later he would come cross dressed so we could break it to our son in some way.
We all went to lunch, and it was nice. Don laughed at my son's jokes so; he was instantly "cool" as far as my son was concerned.
A few weeks later my son brought up cross-dressing again but in a joking manner. We decided to take Steven to his favorite restaurant (Outback Steakhouse), and this time Lucy and Joan would come. Tim was so nervous that he thought he was gonna throw up because we were so unsure about Steven's feelings, and we thought for sure he knew something but didn't know how to express it.
During our nice meal, Lucy and Joan talked with Steven like everything was normal and fine. Steven went to the bathroom, and I told Lucy that when he came back we would see how things went.
When Steven came back, I asked him if he remembered Don and of course Steven said, "yea, he was cool." Lucy leaned over to him and told him that she and Don are the same person. Steven instantly broke out laughing thinking it was a joke. He would not believe us. Then Lucy showed Steven her transgender ID,and Steven still was not convinced. Lucy then lowered her voice and told Steven... it was really the truth. Steven kinda blushed and said "okay."
We asked him his opinion of what he just found out, and he said "no big deal." He is still the same person. I told Steven that Tim also is a CD, and he just looked at Tim and said, "Wow! Why didn't you tell me sooner? We explained to him that we didn't want to upset him about this. Steven told Tim that he was his father, and it didn't matter. He said that he never suspected a thing--never knew.
We were soooooo relieved that he took it so well. Steven has still not seen Tim cross-dressed. The reason is not because Steven is bothered by it, but Tim still feels kind of awkward.
I'm not sure why I am even telling everyone this except to let you know that kids are way more understanding now than most people think they are. We as parents do what we can to protect our children, and this was one of the hardest things we ever did. However, it also was one of the most rewarding.
We don't feel as if we have this huge secret with Steven, but it's not anything we throw in his face either. It all has worked so well for us.
Maybe, I am just extremely lucky to have such a good kid.
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Happy New Year to all you lovely ladies. We had a fashion show in January. I'm sure someone will make a complete report. Now that winter is in full force, I look at my hands and see a few extra dry spots and a few cracked areas. What can I do to stop this from happening. I heard you say that you know. That brings me to the next important area of our beauty talks, hand and nail care and grooming. The hands as well as our face give away our age and I have some wonderful ideas to share that will help achieve beautiful hands. Yes, you guessed it, we must care for our hands and nails first and always, then we can sculpt and paint. The key words are clean, moisturize and protect.
...Beautiful hands start with hygiene: use a nail brush every day to scrub the underside of nails.
...Wash hands with a super fatted soap. look for soaps that contain emollients -- Dove or Oil of Olay are good choices. I also use Dial antibacterial with vitamin E.
...Exfoliate hands once a week using your own home-made scrub: mix together crushed
almonds, honey and lemon juice to slough off dead skin and moisturize.
...Make a 'salad dressing' for hands and nails of lemon juice and jojoba or even corn
oil; pour into a shallow bowl and bathe hands in the mixture for 15 minutes. The lemon
will bleach hands clean, and the oil will feed hands and nails.
...Rather than leaving leftover sun products to over winter in the bathroom cabinet,
use SPF creams as a ray-deflecting alternative to hand cream, particularly for
gardening/sports/long-distance driving. (According to dermatologists, UV rays can actually
penetrate windscreens.) But beware of high factors as they can discolor pale polish,
turning it yellow. A good inexpensive alternative to moisturizers is petroleum jelly used
on damp hands. Petroleum jelly is also good for nails and cuticles.
...Keep hand cream or sunscreen -by every single water tap in your house, so you've no excuse for not using it.
...For a pampering boost, use a face mask on hands once weekly.
...If you are sleeping on your own, wear gloves to bed once a week. Heat your
hands in warm water, dry, rub in Some ultra-rich cream, then put the gloves on. You will
wake up with amazingly silky hands.
...Rubber gloves for every household task are rule number one. Put them on
every time you want to wipe the table or wash up a single cup. Put on hand cream first-
although you have to be careful not to keep the gloves on for too long, or your hands get
sweaty and dehydrated. Then for dusting, use cotton housework gloves that you can get in
most pharmacies. They're real hand-savers.
...All day long, regular as clockwork, make a point of keeping your hands' moisture level topped up. Every time you wash your hands, moisturize them immediately -while they're still slightly damp, which seems to "lock in" the moisture. Expensive hand creams - Not me, I like Vaseline Derma Care. It's extremely rich, and very cheap.
...Cuticles should get plenty of tender loving care, too, with Christian Dior's Crème Apricot or Sally Hansen's Apricot cuticle rub. Worth every penny. Helps prevent ingrown nails too.
... Massaging the nail bed regularly, improves blood flow, stops
nails from breaking, and prevents those little pieces of skin that "catch". I
rub in either apricot product at least once a day, usually last thing at night before I go
to sleep. OK, I miss a day or two.
...Whenever going out, protect hands with an SPF25 sunscreen
to prevent freckling or photo-ageing. (You could try Piz Buin or Estee Lauder sunscreens.)
...Avoiding nail nightmares means using the side of the fingers for pulling up zips. Never, ever plunge your hand into your bag for keys -nor should any woman who cares about her hands. You could cut your hand or chip a nail reaching for a Visa card!
...Finally, do not use your fingernails as tools. Use a key, fork or something other than your nails to open pop-top cans. You get the idea!
Next month we
will talk about problem hands
Stay soft and lovely until then
Hugs,
Bobbi
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The ABC's of A Successful Marriage
By
Joan and Lucy Stone
When we got married, we believed that our love for each other was all that mattered. Now, after more than forty-two years of marriage, we know that it takes more, and we firmly believe that the beautiful relationship we continue to enjoy is the result of the principles on which we have based our relationship. Together, we have gotten through the hard times resulting from miscarriages, cross-country moves, four years of full time graduate school, meddling parents and cross-dressing. We have raised two sons whose wives we dearly love, and we now have six boisterous and adorable grandsons. Throughout our marriage, we have had a wonderful life and continue to have fantastic adventures together (some of them as Joan and Don and some as Joan and Lucy). As a result, we have come to believe that perhaps there is something special about the way we conduct our relationship, and perhaps it is the ABCs that guide us. The ABCs that we try to follow are:
From the beginning of our marriage, we have always tried to apply the Golden Rule to our marriage. Applied to marriage, it is "Do unto your spouse as you would have your spouse do unto you." This is not always as easy as it may sound. Sometimes you really have to stop and think, "Would that hurt my feelings? How would I feel if my spouse did or said the same thing to me." We never knowingly hurt each other with words or in deeds. When that happens, as it inevitably does, then the apologies are made quickly and hugs are exchanged both for the apology and for the acceptance of it.
Differences in your duties, responsibilities, preferences, concerns and societal norms and that of your partner also have to be considered. And here is where it is easy to introduce problems both for your partner and for yourself. For example, you decide that your partner wouldn't be receptive to something you would like to do or would be unreceptive to something you would like very much for him/her to do. So, you refrain even mentioning your need or desire, but you continue to want it. It causes you stress, and in turn begins to have a negative affect on your relationship. In your attempt to avoid the problem you have created one that can lead to serious complications, and it is so unfair to your spouse, whose feelings you were trying to spare. Instead of stating what you want, you have tried to think for her/him and she/he doesn't have a clue what the problem is. How much better it would have been to discuss your concern, find out how your partner feels about it and arrive at a positive course of action for resolving any differences.
We both very much believe in the power of positive thinking. Instead of despairing when "our glass was half empty," we have always been thankful for all of our blessings and looked for ways to add to what we already have. For us, it is almost a second nature to build self-esteem daily, both our own and each other's. Negative thoughts have no place in our lives. Name calling or screaming at one another is a behavior that has no place in our lives. It only hurts the other person and that is the last thing either one of us has ever wanted to do to the other. We also learned early in our marriage silence never resolves an issue. Rather, it make matters worse as hurt feelings fester when disagreements are left unresolved, and difficult problems become increasingly difficult.
Always, we try to understand each other's point of view, even when we have strong differences of opinion, and sometimes this can be very difficult. This is especially true when each of us have attached different meanings to the words we are using to try to explain our thoughts. Then, we have to go back and ask for clarification of what we did not understand. Sometimes it can be a simple word or two and sometimes it is the entire idea. Sometimes it seems to take forever before the light dawns as to what the other person is trying to say. Once we understand each other, the point of disagreement usually is easily resolved, and one can feel so stupid because it often is such a simple thing. That is when a sense of humor comes in handy, and it is at that point, we can both have a good laugh.
We both have the courage of our convictions, and without a sound approach based on our love of each other, our relationship could have been difficult if not impossible. Should your marital relationship be less than harmonious, you might want to review the ABCs on which our relationship is based, and see whether there is something in our approach that would work for you. We don't pretend to be experts on marriage relationships, and we can only tell you what has worked so very well for us.
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By Joan Stone
As a wife belonging to a Tri Ess Chapter, the one thing I hear over and over from cross-dressers who have recently confided in their wives is "My wife/SO knows, and she is okay with it." Is she? Ask some of the wives and S/Os and quite often you get a different answer. Obviously, there has been a breakdown in their communication with each other. This is not surprising considering the difficulty most people have with this topic.
Too often the cross- dresser forgets that while he has had many years to deal with his cross-dressing, his wife has had a much shorter time to try to cope with it. When he finally has accepted this side of himself enough to tell her, he may consider anything short of outright rejection by his wife as meaning she does not have a problem. However, too frequently the following situation seems to occur. She has just been told, and may at first be so relieved to know what has been bugging him, that she fails to consider any reservations she has. Then reality sets in; more questions come to mind and possible implications of his cross-dressing start to bother her. She may wonder where it is going to lead. She may feel that she is inadequate, that he has invaded her space, or that she has never really known him. If her husband continues to be insensitive to her concerns and wrongly assumes that she accepts it or will become more comfortable when she gets used to it, their marriage could be headed for difficult times.
For a marriage to escape any permanent damage, both partners must be able to communicate their needs and desires to each other. Typically, neither partner says exactly what they mean and both may be interpreting what is said in terms of what they want to hear. Patience is something we sometimes lack, and I find when it comes to discussing and understanding cross-dressing, it too often is lacking. The cross-dresser wants to start dressing immediately, and just go for it. While the wife is saying, wait a minute, I want my husband. Sometimes it is difficult for the wife/SO to understand that her cross-dressed husband is still the same person, even when dressed in feminine clothing. And on the other side, it is equally difficult for the cross dresser to understand that his wife just can't see it.
My advice to both the CD and the affected spouse is to assume nothing about each other. Start by discussing the issues and concerns that bother each of you. Putting everything on the table is essential to developing a consensus with which both of you will be reasonably comfortable. You probably will not find a solution that is perfect for both of you, and it may take you a long time to reach it. Throughout this process, patience and the desire to understand each other's needs and concerns is essential, especially when little progress is being made.
For some couples, substantial progress can be made in a few months, for others the process may take a much longer time. Patience is something both partners must cultivate and use. Impatience just muddies the water. It can cause considerable delays in reaching a point where meaningful discussions can occur and it sometimes results in irreparable damage to the marriage.
If you really love each other and want to be together, you should be able to overcome your differences with a lot of hard work, patience and understanding. One word of caution, never assume that your first agreement is final because the assumptions you make initially, will probably change as both of you work through any fears and misconceptions you have. This approach is actually no different than the process that you both probably use in other areas of your life as you adapt to changing circumstances. What makes it seem more difficult is that cross-dressing is such an emotional issue.
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