Rho Tau Newsletter
January, 2000
----
| Top Ten things only women understand...do you understand these? | Communicating or Just Talking | Web Crossings a new column dedicated to helpful web sites. |
| Lucy's Window | January Meeting Highlights | |
After dressing and taking pictures, the next most favorite pastime for crossdressers must be surfing the web. Everyone knows of the explosive growth of the internet and those sites serving the cross dressing community have been a part of that expansion.
The search engines for exploring the web are well known. What we would like to do is focus on our members' favorite websites. The sites could be resources or just fun places to visit.
One of the more challenging areas is finding an appropriate hairstyle. Unless you have your own natural long, gorgeous hair ( and you know who you are Tiffany and Jen), the wig is a necessity. Probably the best place to get a wig would be at a salon which specializes in wigs. However, visiting a wig salon can be impractical, inconvenient, or something which makes us very nervous.
The alternatives to shopping in person are mail order shopping by catalog or on-line shopping. In either case we need to be clear about return policies. Some states do not allow wigs to be returned as a matter of health concerns. Sizing can be a cause for returns because the typical male head is larger than the typical female head. Most wigs are offered in one size with adjustments in the cap for sizing. A few wigs are offered in sizes (small, medium, and large) based on head circumference.
Color also can be a cause for returns. The color that appears on your monitor may be quite different than the actual wig. Most monitors are not calibrated for color and, even if they were, most websites do not send out colors which are consistent from site to site. You can get a better view of colors for comparison purposes by "calibrating" your monitor. Some software such as Photoshop and Paint Shop Pro have utlities which allow you to adjust the gamma of your monitor. There is a new web utility available for ecolor which will help in adjusting your monitor. This is especially helpful in viewing colors that subscribe to the ecolor standard. To look at what ecolor is doing check www.ecolor.com
The number of sites offering wigs for sale is staggering. We are presenting a few here for you to check. Some sites have a much larger selection than others. Also, some sites make some harsh statements about others products which are open to question. We viewed one site (not included in our list below) which severely belittled another site's products claiming superior fibers and technology. Featured on their site were styles which they charged almost twice the price of the same wig available from www.wigs.com !
| www.wigs.com | very large selection available |
| www.paulayoung.com | frequent specials, great prices on human hair wigs |
| www.jacquelynwigs.com | good selection, on-line ordering to be offered |
| www.wigsalon.com | good selection, excellent advice page on selection and care |
| world-of-wigs.com/ | smaller selection than some sites |
| www.beautytrends.com/index.html | excellent selection, attractive prices |
| www.gaywired.com/wigloo/ | limited selection but very attractive prices |
Michelle Johnson has some excellent tips which are worth checking at www.dragscape.com/tips/howto13.html
Styling of the wig is a major challenge. In a few case wigs may usable as they are. However, in most cases some styling or cutting will be necessary to achieve a realistic look. Apparently, wig makers put more hair in a wig, especially in the top, than you would expect to find on a human head. So most wigs will need to be thinned. The best option would be to take your wig to a salon and have it styled for you. However, if you are REALLY adventurous you might check:
www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Castro/9397/Tamaras_home.html She has a very interesting and lengthy discussion of preparing your wig for wear. Her tips are not for the faint of heart! She recommends practicing on an old wig before actually trying to trim and style a new wig.
Obviously this is just a brief look at what is a vast offering of websites offering wigs.
Happy surfing!
Return to index
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
Do you think that you are really, really in touch with your feminine side? Take a look at the following list of things that only women understand. How many of the items on this list really make sense to you?
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
Return to index
COMMUNICATING or Just Talking?
By Joan Stone
How often have you said something like,"Wouldn't it be nice to go to a movie this weekend? " To which your spouse responded, "Sure." But then, the weekend comes and goes, and the movie was not seen or even mentioned again. And there was a sense of time lost.
This type of thing happens to everyone in many different situations during our marriages. You have both talked, but not always listened. If the question had been asked and both parties had stopped what they were doing and decided what movie, what day, what time and who was going to make the arrangements. That would have been communication.
Similarly, the following dialog pertaining to cross-dressing can sometimes occur even when the CD and wife or significant other has a supportive relationship. The conversation probably begins with the CD saying, "I'd like to dress on Saturday." And his wife either says nothing or may even say, "Okay." However, neither has really thought about what they are going to do when he does dress. They have superficially approached the topic, but they have not really communicated, and much room has been left for different interpretations by each of them. This is the stuff from which serious problems evolve.
It would have been much better if the scenario went something like this. "I'd like to dress on Saturday."
"What are your plans?"
"I'd like to and go see blank movie."
"If we do which theatre should we attend because many of our friends are planning on seeing this movie?"
You are beginning to communicate. And doing some prior planning for an activity that just happens to include cross-dressing. And maybe after you have discussed your proposed outing, the conclusion might even be that this time and place is not for cross-dressing. And then together you can decide if the movie is more important or another activity more suitable for cross-dressing would be better for your Saturday outing. However, if you decide not to go to the movie at that time do not forget you both still want to consider going to see it.
Talking is easy. Listening and planning are much more difficult. We all like to talk and most of us listen, but we don't always hear what the other one is really saying. It seems trying to communicate our feelings, wants and needs as they pertain to cross-dressing is one of the most difficult things we find our selves trying to do.
Sometimes your CD will say something that will hurt your feelings, but upon further discussion you discover he took a short cut and just assumed you were taking the same path. It also works in reverse. You not only have to listen, but to make certain you are hearing what your partner is trying to communicate. This goes both ways.
Our CD's are very special people. We married them because something in us needed this very special person who is sensitive, kind and gentle. Perhaps you didn't know he was a cross dresser until later. When you first find out, it can come as a shock. But remember this is still the same person you married whether he is in a dress or a suit. It just seems strange to see your man in a dress, high heels, wig and makeup. It does take some getting used to. But with care and understanding on both sides it is well worth the effort.
You must remember he has had enough faith and love for you to show you his most vulnerable side. It has taken a lot of courage on his part to show you a side that he has to keep hidden from the world for fear of ridicule.
Again, you must communicate your feelings. He must communicate his. A lot of talking and listening are required, and in the process, tears, emotions and perhaps even shouting erupt from both sides. But you can come through it together if you both are honest about how you feel and, at the same time, are considerate of each other's feelings. Developing a comfortable ongoing relationship in this area can't be accomplished in one session or in months of talking. It takes years of communicating and sharing, as your understanding and his grow and change with each other. If you have learned to deal with this special situation that once made life very difficult, you can turn it into a wonderful ongoing experience. Cross-dressing can provide the same frustrations and joy as any hobby that your husband might undertake. However, it is the give and take on both sides through love and understanding that will provide a sustainable balance for both partners. A balance that would not have been possible if your strategy had been to obtain a concession from him as the price for going along with him.
No matter how good your relationship becomes, it is not wrong for you to want your husband and not his alter ego after you have had a frustrating or especially tiring day. Nor is it wrong for him to be suffering the same frustrations and want to escape into his alter ego. But, when this situation occurs, it is important that both ofyou communicate and try to understand what each of you is feeling. Always remember that negative feelings often are the result of fatigue or distractions from something else going on at the moment. Failure to recognize the source of the problem can cause feelings to get hurt and a major incident to evolve. Therefore, be vigilant in your care of each other and don't let a moment’s unguarded emotion turn a nothing into a big ugly misunderstanding.
I hope I have given you something worthwhile to consider. It has taken me forty plus years to figure this out for myself, and I hope this little article will help you to get there a whole lot sooner.
Return to index
By Lucy Stone
We all have heard CDs stating there is no way they could pass because they are too tall or too fat or any number of other reasons. Yet afterward, we often have seen someone else on the street in feminine dress who is at least as tall or fat or whatever, and said something like, "that woman is so feminine it obvious she is a genetic female." So what are the traits that distinguishes someone who is perceived as being a genetic female from someone who is always "read".
First of all, it is attitude. Most women appear confident and at-ease. They show by their attitude that everything is all right and they are doing what they should be doing. As a result they call far less attention to themselves than someone who appears to be insecure and feeling out of place does. For, it is human nature to question what is wrong, and look more closely to find out what it is.
Next comes appearance. Women start with characteristic shapes that most CDs do pretty well imitating. Important here is taking care to choose breast forms, waist cinchers and hip pads that produce believable proportions. Most of us also get pretty good at getting women (SOs, retailers, hair stylists and cosmetologists) to assist us in choosing wigs, developing makeup techniques and learning color coordination.
If we have learned our lessons well up to this point, and go no further, we may blend in, but we certainly will not pass. For though we may appear feminine at first glance, our movements and our voices still give us away. This being the case, what must we still do to pass?
First we must learn to walk and move like the women we are emulating. Start by observing the people around you and pay close attention to the way women walk and gesture compared to men. Not only must you develop an awareness of the movements and gestures of the ladies, but also you must become especially sensitive to your unmodified actions that, should they randomly reemerge while you are dressed enfemme, will at the least cast doubt. You will observe that the differences are the bigger when women and men are dressed up, and they tend to be less distinct as dress becomes more casual and unisex. The differences in shoes and clothing make men and women walk differently. However, even when men and women are wearing similar shoes and virtually unisex casual clothing, there are marked differences. Women roll their hips and step more on the inside of their feet. They keep their elbows close to their bodies. They allow their arms to swing fairly freely from the elbow, and the palms of their hands are turned inward. As they walk and gesture, their movements are more fluid and tend to flow gracefully.
.
The most common deficiency that ultimately keeps CDs from passing is not having a voice. Probably the most commonly used argument is, "my voice is too low, and there is no way I can develop a believable feminine voice." I will have to agree with the last part of this statement because the CD who uses this excuse has already closed his mind to being able to do it. However, in most cases, the outcome can be quite different if development of a feminine voice is approached with an open mind and the determination to succeed. Start by learning from experts. Two valuable sources of information on the Internet can be found at Melanie Ann Phillips site and the Looking Glass Society. Study both sites and practice what you learn. As you work on developing your voice, get critiques from others who can help you. I have found that one valuable way of developing my voice was to make information requests and motel reservations over the telephone using my feminine voice. If the person to whom I was talking used ma’am when talking to me, it was an indication that my voice was working the way that I wanted. This is an especially effective test for evaluating how you are doing because it is more difficult to have a convincing voice on the telephone than when talking face to face. One word of caution when developing a feminine voice, use a pitch near the top of your normal range so that you won’t strain your vocal chords.
I agree with cross-dressers who proclaim emphatically that there is no way they can pass. Of course, there is no way that they can pass because they have closed their minds to trying. However, I am convinced that most of us can pass if we apply ourselves. It may take a very long time, but after all, being a cross-dresser lasts a lifetime.
Return to index
January Meeting Highlights
A cold January evening was not enough to prevent 19 intrepid souls from attending the monthly Rho Tau meeting. As usual there was a bountiful pot-luck dinner which was enjoyed by all.
The program focused on things that we would like to do while dressed. Most of the ideas presented related to going out en femme. Fears and apprehensions about going out were discussed. It was clear that the group has a range of approaches to going out from those who are quite comfortable to those who have little interest in going out dressed.
Interestingly the biggest fear of going out...being read by teenagers...was also cited as the biggest achievement. If you can go to the mall when the teenagers are present and you "pass" then you have succeeded in the ultimate challenge.
Return to index